Tues Jul 16th 2013

Vector Floral Ornaments (2)7.08 a.m.

Woke up with a decent amount of energy today. Happy that I got a response re: audition videos and that the guy liked them – that’s something positive to take into the day with me. Also have an audition for a theatre tour for later on this year, which should be interesting though I’ll need to brush up on my language skills for that one. Have Thunder Road in my head.. Maybe we’re not that young anymore / Show a little faith there’s hope in the night / You ain’t a beauty but hey you’re alright…

The fan’s on. Feels nice and cool. Looking forward to the theatre tonight, and to be meeting my best friends’ family. Should be a fun evening! Also looking forward to a run this lunchtime; I’ve been doing Yoga based exercise, but it’ll be good to get the heart pumping with some major cardiovascular work after a break. See how things have recovered.

Eye test today. Badly timed, as I want to get stuff done before going out for a run, so I think I’ll call them and move it to later in the week. Really need to get on with studying for my PT qualification; getting frustrated with myself and I’m doing so many things that are positive to help me with my self – worth by achieving goals but this one is becoming my bane – such a positive thing to be aiming for with massive benefits, so I have to stop this lack of confidence from preventing me from feeling a positive sense of, well, me. If that makes sense. Doesn’t matter if it does or not though, does it? Perhaps I’ll get my hair cut today. Want to keep the length – I like having long locks – but boy does it need shaping up and a cull of the multitude of split ends I’ve managed to acquire is massively overdue. I don’t remember when I last went to get it cut – must have been at least six months ago. Would be nice to get it looking bouncy and pretty, as far as that’s possible.

Thinking about what to do for Pat’s birthday. I would like to be able to do something nice, but all I can really offer is a home cooked meal. My pen has just run out so now writing in pencil, which seems to producing a scratchy sound that is altogether louder and creating a different writing experience. Also thinking of Larry– don’t know why – it’s a strange combination of feelings but in the best way. Moving along, and feeling positive about everything on a grander scale. Really learning that the trick to feeling good, if you can sustain it, is to make the choices that you know are right at all times. Why that’s so hard, I don’t know. Really, I don’t. When you know, but your mind keeps feeding itself other, apparently more satisfying options. It’s strange, so strange / You’ve got to pick up every stitch /  Beatniks out to make it rich / Oh no.. Must be the season of the witch…Must be the season of the witch yeah.. Must be the season of the witch…. Classic track. Thanks Donovan.

Yesterday, for the first time in ages, I thought of Billy and the problems that we’ve been dealing with. I think I’ve turned a corner in a personal sense – I no longer relive things – there is a lingering sense of doubt, yes, but it’s not so self – destructive. Which makes me feel good, as it spells the destruction of a bad habit. Bizarrely, it’s difficult for me to admit to that, because it’s almost as though I’m letting go of something that has kept me sane for a very long time. Not just about Billy, but about lots of stuff embedded in my psyche. It feels weird, even though I don’t want to feel bad, it’s some bizarre kind of defensive comfort. Still, at the same time, it feels like a weight has been lifted. I’m no longer tied to this burden that has prevented me from looking forward, and moving forward. Now, I have the self – assurance of knowing that whatever choices I make, are based in the present, rather than rooted in a deeply embedded resentment that I choose to hold onto because of something that no longer exists except in memory. That provides a sense of liberty; both emotional and psychological, that I’ve never felt before. The thing is, it’s not easy to get to it. You’re never warned of the possibility that your biggest obstacle to achieving your goals will be you and your mind. The mind that you spend your life developing. You’re taught of threats to your goals from the external – circumstance – but they are the minor ones. It’s you. You’re the major one. It’s always you standing in the way because you’re afraid that when you REALLY dare to look inside and see who you are, you might just like it. And, liking yourself completely could lead to the development and manifestations of character traits that other people might not like. Arrogance, complacency, self – satisfaction, selfishness. Egotism. But it’s not. There’s nothing wrong with liking who you are. Anyway, that’s not for anyone else to concern themselves with, is it, because most of us wander around in a self – loathing haze talking to each other in critical tones, and are so deeply mired in self – hatred that we don’t hear ourselves taking it out on everyone else. Strange. We’re strange creatures; but damn cool. How confusing that we can create such bizarre and complex patterns and not have any notion that we’re doing it. That a person, or a smell, or a sound can trigger such memories or emotion or action that we are seemingly powerless to control. It’s awesome, in both the positive, and the scary sense.

Dreamt of some kind of social event – I was with Helen, definitely – and a girl from school who said that when she struck it rich, she would buy the biggest house on the street we were on. That was her dream. The street felt like a street in RLS that I remember vividly, but wider; the road was as wide as the footpath, so it was a big street. It felt spacious. I remember a party going on indoors, and the three of us huddled up under some kind of lantern, talking, making plans for the future. Don’t remember much else, though.

Right, exciting times ahead. Breakfast!

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