Weds Jul 17th 2013

Vector Floral Ornaments (2)7.40 a.m.

This morning I awoke with negative patterns in my head. I was replaying old emotions that don’t make me feel good and there’s no explanation for why one wakes up in the morning bent on self -destruction. It’s bizarre. I honestly understand that it is completely pointless to go down these roads, but I do it anyway, and it’s silly. Still, I think I need to pay attention to the messages I’m sending myself, and take time to consider why this happens, and what needs to be done to fix it.

All I remember about my dream last night is that it involved a friend of mine wearing thick rimmed glasses which had handles that didn’t extend to the full length of the face. They cut off halfway, yet magically hovered and remained in the right position. Interesting. Can’t remember anything else about the dream.

Had great fun at One Man, Two Guvnors last night. It’s always fun to meet new people and experience new energy, especially when it’s positive energy. It can be weird being the “new” person, but I find that I don’t get that feeling much these days. I must be making some kind of progress.

Billy has just come out of the bathroom, looking all clean and refreshed. He looks so healthy these days. I find it hard at the moment, because I expect so much – and I don’t really want to write it all out and bury it so I can get on with the day, but if I don’t get it out,  it will just fester, affect my subconscious and generally be a negative thing, whereas on the page it’s just words and will be expelled from the well of my being and perhaps it’ll make more sense once it’s out, and prevent the resentful pattern from re-emerging. So much for yesterday’s “corner”, ha. A bit frustrated about the lack of action on the storyboard. Not seeing when it’s going to get done, but I’m not going to mention it because I don’t want to be faced with the usual accusation that I nag. So, I’m not going to nag. What frustrates me, I think, is that when he doesn’t do something he says he’s going to do, however small it may seem, it adds to the list of broken promises that I have in my memory, which doesn’t help to nurse and heal the wounds we’re dealing with at the moment. Which, he may have forgotten about, because on the surface of it, things are good; we’re in the process of repairing and healing. Then, a lack of action on writing. If I wanted to be a writer, I would write. And I wouldn’t wait for someone to start shouting at me to do it. Thirdly, have tried to have a “grown up” conversation about this stuff a few times, but it doesn’t happen, because the heels dig in and the conversation simply doesn’t happen because the timing is off. I’d hoped that it would have been instigated by now, rather than me having to run the risk of trying again, but it hasn’t been. Yet. I live in hope that since I’ve moaned about these things on these pages, they will somehow begin to resolve themselves. Often the way. Things really do lose their significance and hold over you when you let them out and express them. The mist clears, and you can see the truth of it. That things really aren’t that bad.

I suppose I feel that when I’m truly honest about how I’m feeling – particularly when I’m expressing views on things that are bothering me, I know it’s healthy and that you need to do it, but my sense of self – worth hinges so fundamentally on the notion that I am a “nice” person that I’ve managed to develop this deeply rooted idea that expressing yourself completely somehow takes away from that. Because the bad stuff comes out too. I really don’t know why. It’s surely far worse to hold seething resentments about a million small things – or even a few bigger things, but, even here, in my notes, I find it hard to go into the real nitty – gritty of what is bothering me. Part of me simply doesn’t want to go down that road and feel bad. Another part thinks I am merely projecting my own worst qualities, fears, and frustrations onto Billy and everyone else because I’m too scared to admit to myself that I have infinity of frailty within me. Another part thinks I should shut up, be satisfied because what you have is pretty fucking good, actually, and stop being a baby. It’s hard when you put walls up for yourself, hindering your ability to go through the processes that you need to experience to move forward instead of going around in the same circles, over and over. Even harder when you are aware of your own self – destructive tendency to not accept who you are, to keep moving forward despite the challenge of it, and to keep expressing yourself completely. Now I have no idea what I’m talking about. Interesting.

I suppose I must have a built – in button that makes me feel a bit angry. It’s okay to feel that, I guess. Now I’m frustrated after an exchange that I suppose I must have brought on myself but I don’t know; sometimes I feel like I’m going a bit mad and I don’t know what to do about it. Am I doing the right thing? In any sense? I don’t know that I am, really. I always had this wonderful sense of stability and knowing that I was in the right place – I’ve lost that recently. I’m questioning, all the time, and I’m getting tired of it. Isn’t it the sign of a weak person? One who is neither here, nor there? Can’t really commit to a course of action completely? I don’t know. What I do know, is that I should get myself out of this predicament and have a positive day. Lots to do, and nothing valuable to be gained by being distracted by all this. But it’s here, and I accept it.


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