Thurs Jul 18th 2013

Vector Floral Ornaments (2)5.55 a.m.

It’s a beautiful morning outside – I like being awake at this time. It’s somehow unfashionable to be a morning person, but I do love early mornings. Waking up late makes me feel this strange sense of loss; as though I’ve missed out on something special, somehow. Not sure what it’s all about, but I know that I feel good when I’m up early.

My shoulders, armpits and abdominal muscles are aching like mad today and I LOVE IT! I really like the feeling of change – it’s a sure sign I’ve worked to the right level, so I’m pleased with that. Must be challenging myself physically, which is definitely a positive. After I’ve finished this writing I think I’ll go and do some form of physical activity warm – up, and then go outside and get the run in. It’ll be good to do it first thing, get the energy flowing, wake the muscles up gently. I have prep to do for my first L2 exam for the next few days, so it’ll be good to attend to other duties early and settle in for some hardcore study time.

I have a song by Donovan in my head… I will bring you white flowers / Da da da da daaaaaa dum…. And thus spoke three wizards.. I can’t remember the name of the song, or the lyrics properly, but it’s a good one from Sunshine Superman. It’s a brilliant album, actually. Not sure why I’d say actually – I’d expect nothing less from the man responsible for Hurdy – Gurdy Man and Atlantis. Oh, now Astral Weeks has started playing – began thinking about staring at the clouds in Leicester Square and Astral Weeks is one of my ultimate cloud-gazing tracks. Love it.

Have been feeling like I’ve let the fitness level drop a bit lately. I was mildly disheartened by my performance on Tuesday’s run, although the heat was a tough opponent. I’d still expect to do better than I did, though, so definitely an area of fitness to work on. It would be good to get a pair of headphones suitable for running, but currently I can’t justify the expense. Probably a good idea to get used to paying attention to the rhythms of my body in that context again – it’s so important, and has the double benefit of  being both beneficial to athletic performance and for acting and general self awareness. Ah, that seems to have inspired a glimmer of an insight into a dream last night, but it’s now gone. Can’t seem to remember any of them from last night, bizarrely. Donovan’s back. Amazing how there is an dual process going on – the song playing itself in my head, the processing of the sound of the fan, the scratching of the pen as I write, the occasional whizz of a car going past. Amazing. And a bit weird. But definitely cool.

Getting my hair cut for the first time in ages and have to admit, I’m actually quite excited about it. Not sure of what to do, I’m somewhat restricted by the fact that any dramatic changes mean a change of headshots, which mean money, and I never stick to what I plan anyway, so let’s see how it goes.

Feeling good about the work I’m doing on self – image and moving towards a place where I am more accepting and loving of myself. This can manifest itself in odd ways. Being more forthright, for one, which does feel a little alien to me. It’s a strange one – I’m more at peace with myself, but it seems to translate to being less willing to take anything from others. Actually, that makes sense, doesn’t it? I guess it’s basic self – respect, in the end. I’m not used to it, but yesterday, I found myself stating things and my brain almost felt like it was actively stopping me from apologising for saying what I felt. That instinct. A new sequence of behaviour for me, as my general cycle goes: something bothers me / I attempt to rationalise / I cry / I say what it is / I feel awful and guilty / I apologise for being an idiot. Yesterday, it went: this isn’t right so I’m going to say what I think / No, I’m not backing down. Interesting. It wasn’t too bad doing things that way, either, so I’m learning all the time. Learning about how to navigate things, and to stop being so afraid of conflict. Sometimes, conflict is fine. It doesn’t have to be cataclysmic – quite often, it’s simply a step along the path of resolution – which is a good way for anything to be going, in the most general sense.

Add quads to the list of muscles in pain today. How utterly bizarre. I really do need to keep running outside if this is the effect of the small dalliance with it two days ago! The Yoga yesterday was tough too, although at the moment, I’m enjoying it more than ever. Perhaps because it feels like it somehow contributes to my acting work too – focusing on the rhythms and sensation of the body is vital work for an actor, and Yoga forces you to do those things.

Wow, the sun is creating this beautiful light and casting a warm glow over the whole room. Absolutely love it. It’ll be nice to get outside and experience it! I think exercise in the morning is the way forward – seems like the ultimate way to kick off the day, although it feels tough and as though you don’t want to do it, it’s well worth the effort.

Ah, I feel good this morning. That recovery period may be paying off. I’m also excited about really eating properly. I’m curious to know how the body feels and responds when it’s getting all the right nutrients in. Will be fascinating to test the outcome. Let’s see.

Right. On with the day! It’s 6.11, so a light stretch, then a run, I think. Yeah! Ooh, and breakfast when I get back. Exciting!

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