Sat July 20th 2013

Vector Floral Ornaments (2)9.19 a.m.

Last night I simply burnt out and felt utterly incapable of doing ANYTHING, so I sat in bed and watched Hope Springs. I dug it – it’s a brave subject matter, I think – long term marriage and what happens when all of a sudden, you’re just left with each other and don’t know how to communicate one to one anymore. Good random choice for last night too. Nice and short and to the point.

So pleased I had a lie – in this morning. Decided against setting the alarm last night to see what time I naturally woke up – it was 9 a.m. Obviously needed the rest. Feel good this morning, but could very easily spend today chilling out in bed.

Pleased that the pilot went down well with Art – I trust his opinion, so if he liked it, I’m pleased. It’s terrifying sending your work out to people, but I’m getting better at it these days – have a better gauge when it comes to the value of my own work, and my own ability level. Always good to get positive feedback though, despite the development of that internal sense.

I feel like there are a few things making me mildly stressed out at the moment – so I’m going to take the time now to go through them as I think it will help me. One, PT stuff. It’s not hard, but it’s not that interesting, so I find it really hard to concentrate fully. Yesterday, I got a few hours done, which is good, but I just feel a bit of a struggle when it comes to settling down and doing it. Then I have this big ego thing which says that if I don’t pass, it’ll be proof of how thick I actually am. Definitely a big ego thing going on there.

Secondly, it’s actually hard taking a break from fitness stuff. I’ve started running as it’s a good middle ground (although I find it quite challenging!) but it’s hard to let myself rest. I know that I need to, because physically, I feel burnt out. I’ll just have to stick to the run / Yoga combo for a while, maybe let myself take 2/3 days without doing ANY extra exercise, and see where I am. Have never been so physically burnt out before – how do athletes keep up their crazy training schedules?

Thirdly,the film. There’s lots to do. I can feel myself struggling to get all these things down on paper, so I know it’s a good process to go through and will help. So lots to do on the film and worried about an apparent lack of motivation but let’s just see how it goes.

Fourth – not getting any acting work! And now I have an audition where I will need to bone up on language skills, so that feels like pressure.

Fifth – the flat. I don’t think I’m maintaining it well enough and I feel guilty about it.

Sixth – lonely. I feel a bit isolated at the moment. Don’t know why. Nothing’s changed; but sometimes I feel like an outsider. I don’t know, it’s a bit of a melodramatic view, really, and a strange feeling.

Seventh – want to write something – a script – but not finding the time to do it, somehow. Need to make better use of time – perhaps make a timetable that has less crammed into each day and is a bit more of a patient approach.

What else. Whoooah / Sweet Thing / Sweet Thing….Woke up with that song by Donovan in my head again this morning, the one that goes: I will bring you white flowers etc etc.. Hmm, now struggling to keep writing. My shoulder, the left shoulder, hurts. There’s lots of noise – the radio in the other room, the TV, people talking, talking, talking.. I am becoming quite a fan of quiet – I never thought I would, but it’s really wonderful for keeping the mind still, I find. I get irritated with noise; whether it’s psychological, environmental, physical..It’s weird. I think I want everything to be clean and full of clarity – I hate feeling lost and without direction. I find that tough to deal with. And I’m thinking that my brain is feeling cluttered at the moment and that’s why I’m struggling.

I don’t know.

I suppose I’ll get on with my day and do stuff rather than think about it and get all wound up. Time to MOVE.

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