Not entirely sure of why I’m up so early, but sense it’s no bad thing. Lay awake for a while, listening to the rolls of thunder, the tiny bursts of rain as it pitter – pattered against the window and felt slightly disturbed by the flash of lightning I saw with my eyes closed. I’ve never been afraid of thunder before, but I kept thinking of the park, empty, the trees swaying ominously in the breeze and the looming cathedral with it’s many eyes looking out and it scared me. Fortunately Billy looked so peaceful it brought me the assurance I needed; that all is right with the world.
I dreamt about Eddy, definitely. He was running some kind of organisation – it may have even been a restaurant – I remember him saying to me that I should wait for him in the restaurant area, anyway, and for some reason I didn’t want to because I felt that it would be awkward for some reason. I also remember standing outside a building with two other people; there were posters for the David Bowie exhibition at the V&A on the wall.. Was I waiting for some kind of train? I don’t quite remember. Also remember Ernie sitting down at a long table for a meal with Eddy – they were soon joined by a group of business – folk who looked like serious hard hitters, suited and booted. In the same dream, I was in Boots, choosing chewing gum – an apparently agonising task – I remember trying to find a big pack of Airwaves for ages – then seeing that it cost £3.99 and deciding to go for the good old staple classic of Wrigleys’ Spearmint (my dreams are sooo interesting). This dream had a lot of people in it. I can’t remember if this image relates specifically to a dream, or whether it’s something that I simply imagined as I sat listening to the rain, but an abstract image of a volcano erupting is in my mind; almost an animation of the event. Can’t remember if it’s dream based or not, though.
I’m gonna watch.. The bluebirds fly…. Over my shoulder.. I’m gonna watch.. Them pass me by..Maybe when I’m older… I have Candy Says by The Velvet Underground in my head this morning. Definitely one of the albums of my 2013 summer. I associate it with planning the film – when storyboarding, I got into the habit of putting the album on through my headphones and it got me inspired every time, so I’m forever grateful to it.
Struggling with myself a bit this morning, especially regarding getting outside for a run. Sounds dumb, I know, but I should admit this to myself, at least. I’m actually a bit scared of going to the park because of the weird images and feelings I managed to concoct for myself as I listened to the thunder this morning. Silly, but it’s how I feel, so I’d best get it out of my brain and onto paper, right? Also, just a bit tired. Yesterday, I felt entirely overwhelmed, with no sense of clarity or focus. Ironically, that lack of clarity may have had something to do with the fact that I didn’t do any physical work yesterday but it’s an odd cycle; feeling tired so you take a day off, and then feel completely lacklustre because you didn’t do it. Strange. So, I’m struggling – on the one hand, I feel that it would be really beneficial to go and get a run in – after all, it’s a mere 25 minutes of the day and I’ll feel brilliant for it. The other part of me is just feeling a bit fearful, of the rain, of the challenge, of the.. I don’t know, but whatever label you put on it, it’s only ever fear that stops you from doing anything, right?
I’m quite nervous about tomorrow. In the end, there’s no reason to be – but I am, a bit. Again, I’m holding out some hope that just being honest with myself is the first step to resolving such silly neuroses. When it comes down to it, I know I always get on fine in these situations, and the main thing is to just enjoy the process of meeting a new person. I’m starting to worry that my currently relaxed approach to progressing my acting career isn’t going to serve me in the end, but I’m really big (obviously bigger than that concern) on this idea that the first step to anything is to simply relax and enjoy the ride – even the bits that, at first glance, seem entirely impossible to enjoy or see in any positive way. Like struggling to get work.
The sky outside is a beautiful bluey grey. I do like the view out of the doors I have in the morning – it’s like any level of nature is available for me to absorb by merely glancing out of the window. Wooden fence, greenery, a man – made roof, a huge tree against a beautifully clean sky. It’s a cool image, and also a slightly bizarre one. That juxtaposition is probably what makes it interesting, duh.
I’m really missing writing at the moment. Am having lots of ideas for stuff – part of my frustration may well be rooted in this sense I have that I want to be writing and I’m just not doing as much as I want to. Purely through my own maladaptive state of mind. Never have I so acutely felt the sense that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day! Between the PT stuff, getting stuff done on the film, working on self – development, brushing up on language, maintaining and developing fitness and maintaining the acting instrument and doing what I feel isn’t enough writing but some writing…My brain is tired. I wish my days were just a bit longer as I struggle between 2 and 6 p.m – I can’t concentrate as well after lunch and I tend to get sleepy which makes me want to sit on the sofa and watch something that will allow me to drift off a bit but if I were to go with that, I’d use the evenings to do stuff, and that’s not fair on Billy as he gets home and it’s nice for us to hang out. It’s futile for me to take that kind of break anyway, because I just feel guilty if I take a break anyway, and I can’t waste this precious time I have to do this stuff. I don’t have time to waste, nor do I wish to waste time. It seems so ungrateful to want everything to be my way in every single minute way. Time is the most precious and finite thing we have, anyway, so best make the most of it. Plenty of time to sleep at night.
It’s not raining anymore. I wonder if today will turn out to be rainy, or whether it’ll turn out to be a wonderful day. Considering that it’s past sunrise and it’s kind of gloomy, I’m placing my bets on things staying the same. Who knows.
So now, by brain is feeling a bit tired. My hand generally starts to hurt at this point, so I end up struggling to think. I take a break from writing, and stare at the boiler for a while. I do like being awake early and doing something like this, I have to admit. It’s so quiet – you feel like you’re in on some kind of secret time, that you won’t miss anything – it’s as though this is your private time and you’re the only one in the world awake and enjoying all of the excitement while the rest of the world sleeps.
Nip dread in the bud. I like that idea. It’s a good philosophy to live by. I guess what I’m doing now, is allowing myself to dread going for a run, which isn’t clever. Why is that? I can already feel the benefits of it, and it’s a challenge. I’m boring myself now.
Resolution always feels good. The resolve I have is to be healthy, so I’ll start today by doing what’s healthy – a physical warm up. And I’ll take it from there. It’s really not that hard.
And, it’s final day of Nutella time. As a final goodbye I think I’ll have a disgusting amount on my porridge – so much that it puts me off for at least 3 months. Far too much sugar in my diet!!
Hmm. Another morning of banal, circular thoughts. Am I making no progress at all?!