Weds Jul 24th 2013

Vector Floral Ornaments (2)6.30 a.m.

It’s Am’s birthday today – mustn’t forget to message him. Have Thunder Road in my head this morning; not in sequence though, there are fragments of it – the harmonica at the beginning, a bit of the piano… Show a little faith there’s magic in the night..You ain’t a beauty but hey you’re alright… Still amazed that pretty much every morning I have a song in my head, and it’s entirely unpredictable. Unpredictable, but not a great range; there are about six songs that seem to be on some bizarre kind of rotation.

Feeling good for being brave and sending a message that was heartfelt and, I think, kind. It’s had the effect of giving me some kind of closure; I don’t know where the resolve to forgive it all came from, although I know it comes from a place of genuine love, and I’m feeling good for sharing those good feelings. Why not do so, when you have them, and let yourself be free of the expectation of any kind of response? Basically, you do something because you want to, and because it makes you feel good, and then you move onto the next thing that you want to do, and do it because it feels good. Truly good. Not superficially attempting to cover your pain, but dealing with it all, and being free to express yourself truthfully, both good and bad, with no expectation of yourself or anyone else to respond in any particular way. It’s a good way to live, I think. Is that preachy, though? I think maybe it is. Very preachy. What do I know, anyway? Well, I know what I know, and what I feel, and I suppose that’s all that matters, because I don’t feel that I know the right way for anyone else but the only thing I can really ever do is find the right way for me anyway, and perhaps it’ll kind of work for someone else. That would be purely the result of chance, though.

Felt terribly lethargic yesterday. I spent pretty much all day feeling bad; I don’t know why. I was frustrated, to increasing degrees, about the fact that I wasn’t feeling the flow of things. Possibly the most maladaptive response possible, but there you go – and although in the end I made some great discoveries, like the Crash Course series on You Tube, and I learnt some of the Biology I need to learn, I found myself beating myself up for not getting enough DONE. Even though I felt so tired I couldn’t bring myself to actually do much more than listen intently to lectures on YouTube. Strange. Then I realised that I’d changed policy for the last few days, and hadn’t been relaxing the night before; so I did that last night, and woke up this morning with a relaxed energy and feel ready to go! Initially the plan was to go into London super early and get tickets for the Bowie exhibition, but it now makes more sense to go in early on Thursday morning when I’m in London and I’ll use today to get some stuff done before meeting my friend. It’ll be good to meet someone who has an inside track on the industry and get to know more about how things actually work; might be just the boost I need at this point. Things definitely happen for a reason, ultimately, any successes I might have certainly aren’t going to come through my current agent, so delays are no bad thing. I’m tempted to cancel this audition, but, at the same time, it’ll be good experience, and the challenge of it will be worth the effort. Plus, I’m learning to be less governed by what might happen if I look a bit silly; it really doesn’t matter. At all.

Looking forward to a run this morning. Feeling much more rested  than I was yesterday morning, and it’s not torrential rain, which is good! Early morning runs are definitely best, in my view; you can enjoy the scenery, there aren’t many people around, and the most dramatic thing about the whole event is the inscrutable stare of the geese who park themselves on the bank and across the path as you run past, huffing and puffing away, occasionally pooping to show their complete disdain of you. Very entertaining (and a bit smelly). I’m liking a lot of the concepts of this book I’m reading; the notion of being willing to spend time with yourself and enjoy doing stuff alone is a really positive one – I also like the clarity of description around why it’s so tempting to wriggle out of the stuff that you plan to do alone; a subconscious attempt to get out of developing any kind of emotional intimacy with yourself. It’s so weird, but makes a perfect amount of sense. It’s hard being with yourself sometimes, isn’t it? With all your inner dialogue, your malice, your confusion – sometimes even your love can be a bit terrifying and you’d like to shut it down so you can go back to the safety of an even strain. Some of the things you are advised to do absolutely terrify me, merely in concept, so I know that they are absolutely necessary and that fear is probably the biggest motivation for me to do them. Follows on nicely from my current concept of the moment – nipping dread in the bud; now, when I find myself seriously dreading something and making the most bizarre attempts to avoid it, I tell myself to nip it in the bud, and it works. And I feel so much better for it. It’s helped my confidence – that simple change, but it’s an incredibly powerful way to look at things that incite fear within. It’s such a waste of energy, dreading stuff, right? When you’re in the situation, you experience it, then it’s over. Moments go so quickly – both good and bad, but the build up to them.. The build up feels like an eternity, so much of the time. What’s the point? Exactly, Brain, there is no point. And no, it doesn’t help with survival. I don’t think there is any situation that is likely to threaten my physical survival on the planet circumstantially; I’m lucky in that regard, so I don’t NEED to over-compute the probability of bad things happening, as things stand. It’s just a fear of life that will get in the way of progress, and I don’t think anything that promotes fear and the paralysis that accompanies it, is good for me. End of.

I’m feeling guilty that I haven’t started an intensive, healthy eating plan yet. I sense that this is what made me feel bad yesterday – because nowadays, if I don’t follow through on a commitment that I’ve made, it confuses and shakes my self – perception as someone who DOES things when they say they will. Today, I’m not feeling bad about it, because I’ve resolved that I’m not going to do it this week – but when it’s time, I’ll do it properly, because I want to know what it feels like to put good stuff in this amazing thing we call a body. The sugar thing has been really interesting; psychologically, I feel good, because I feel like I’ve kicked something of a dependency and can taste things again without having to load them full of sugar – but I still feel that I can do better with eating. Billy is impressive at the moment with his exercise – he’s really taking things up a gear – going and doing different stuff all the time, and his physique has transformed and continues to transform.

I like the word transform. It’s what we’re doing, all the time – whether on the physical level, where we rebuild ourselves and regenerate from the skeleton outwards, or within the wells of our consciousness and all of the levels of the subconscious that we have yet to tap into. Whatever form it takes, it’s happening all the time, and it’s pretty damn cool. Yeah!

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