If I’m honest, I can’t really be bothered to do this this morning, but the belief that it’s good for me and the fact that I’m feeling like I can’t be bothered is the best possible reason for me to actually do it. Feeling quite emotional this morning; lots of stuff going on in my head that is inexplicable in it’s origin when I consider that today has only just begun. It’s as though someone has gone into the well of my subconscious and dredged up the deepest fundament of my frustrations and pain. Not sure why that would be. Ironically, I suspect that it comes from the increasing feeling of security and positivity that I’ve been enjoying recently. Had a wonderful day yesterday, not without it’s rough moments, but overall, it was truly wonderful. Everyone should go and see Manhattan on the big screen, for one. For two, Poker night was great fun – I love the company of friends, and while I can feel myself drifting away from the group in some level, I never fail to have a wonderful time with them. I feel a bit sad that I’m not an integral part of the group anymore – we no longer share the fundamental bond of work based frustration, or the daily moments that help to nurture friendship. I feel more and more profoundly that I am now the least involved member of the group; I don’t see any one of them as much as they tend to see each other. Then again, I have never been a “group” person; I enjoy being in a group, in some ways, but I prefer a coffee with a friend where we can get into the nitty gritty of all things, or a lazy evening with my best friend in pyjamas when getting up to make a cup of tea feels like the height of activity. Anyway, the practical side of me completely understands why this drift is taking place – it makes absolute sense and is nothing personal; it’s simply a matter of geography. They all work together, and live close to one another. It’s simply easier, and more convenient, for them to share more time. I’m a bit sad about it, to be sure, but I’m not taking it too personally (although I am inclined to take everything personally, really).
I’m still struggling with the contents of Eddy’s email. It’s all stuff that I know, but somehow, I found my frustration turning in on myself for being so horrifically desensitised to how awful that stuff actually was. I felt this awful conflict about Dad, rationally asking myself how anyone could forgive someone capable of such atrocities.. Then I thought of Leona and felt such anger – how someone who has seen what Mum suffered could perpetrate any kind of continued abuse to make her feel bad while putting Dad on some kind of pedestal.. I don’t know. It drives me mad with confusion and guilt to think about it. I read this email last night though, and as I sit here with the sun shining in through the window, I wonder whether that could be the root cause of why I’m feeling this way this morning; simply because I’m no longer able to detach myself from the reality of the horror of it all anymore. I’m coming face to face with things that I’ve repressed for a long time, and it’s scary. I feel it – the good, the bad, and the fucking ugly – all of the emotional confusion that goes with it, and now, I can’t hold it in and simply allow it to quietly knaw away at my insides..Now, it needs to breathe and keep on looking for a way to beat at the door of my consciousness and if I don’t listen, it makes me feel horribly ill and I cry and have the most awful stomach aches and headaches and want to sit in a dark room until I’ve kidded myself into believing that it’s all gone away. Suddenly, I’m not surprised in the slightest that I wanted to run away from home. Suddenly, I don’t feel guilty for the choices that I’ve made. Destruction. Sheer destruction. What kind of environment, family, do I come from? What have I become because of it? Such violence. Such rage. Such a good person. I don’t get it. It’s so tragic it hurts me to truly comprehend it all. It’s the most confusing thing in the world; a good person with a good heart and so much to give, turned into something so monstrous and yet something so full of love and compassion and sensitivity. I’m full of so much love and hate and anger and confusion and compassion all at once and it terrifies me to realise, as I write, that this is exactly the feeling that I’ve described about someone else who I fear becoming, beyond all other fears.
Overwhelmed. But it’s out of my body and on the page.Which is progress.
Dreamt of love. 2 women playing catch on a street; both wearing balaclavas to protect themselves from the cold. They talk of the lost love of one of the women – they haven’t seen each other for years but one of the women then sees a film with him playing the Hero. Another bit of the dream was about a man who claimed he wasn’t gay, falling in love with a man – but he didn’t have any conflict about it at all – he just fell in love and let it happen. I love that! I don’t remember much more detail, but it was definitely a positive dream. Also dream that Thermistocles arrived at 9.45, which would be bad!
Right, on with breakfast with a lighter heart and a sense of resolution. Glad I made myself do this.