Mon Jul 29th 2013

Vector Floral Ornaments (2)8.15 a.m.

Bowie exhibition today! Yeah! Should be great; really really looking forward to it! A bit annoyed at the hormones for kicking up today, but I don’t have anywhere near as much to complain about these days as I’ve had in the past, and I’m extremely grateful for that.

Interesting set of dreams last night. In one, I was at a tennis tournament and had been walking around for a couple of days, watching various matches. Then, I was in this loo – which had 2 cubicles, and as I stepped into one, someone stepped into it at the same time which was both shocking and bizarre. This strangely blinded to social convention figure was Andy Murray. Ha! He then proceeded to ask me if I fancied getting a coffee as he was so completely bored at the tournament. I don’t remember how the rest of this bizarre conversation in a loo went, but I do remember that later on in the dream, we were talking over coffee. I debated telling him about the argument that Kevin and Harry got into on Facebook, but decided against it. Man, I’m even a coward in my dreams.

In another dream, I was in my PJ’s – the blue & white checked ones, and my California Republic jumper and gloves (clearly not looking too cool!) and was out in town (!). The local shopping centre, I think, although it was dark and felt like it was enclosed. Instead of Wilko’s, there was an RBS, and I was going in there for some reason. As I walked towards it, I heard a voice call my name, and when I turned around it was Kam. The EE shop was to the left of RBS – he seemed to be heading over there – I asked how it was going, to which he responded great, apart from this (pointing at the EE shop), to which I responded great, and headed off to RBS in my incredible PJ outfit. He shouted after me to text him before I disappeared into RBS, and he headed into the EE shop. It felt awkward in the dream, for some reason, but it felt kind of friendly too. Then, I was at the front desk of the bank, and asked about extending my overdraft and whether I needed to make an appointment. The lady laughed – and explained to me how it worked, but I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about my previous exchange. Later on, I was walking down a street (opposite the big statue of Queen Victoria) with an umbrella that I kept hitting people with accidentally. The person I was with, or one of the people, anyway, was pregnant. I can’t remember who it actually was in relation to my life, but I was with Edith yesterday and perhaps that could explain that. When I got back into the flat, I saw a couple of letters from my Mum – the address on the envelope was written in her handwriting anyway, and there was some kind of debate happening about whether to watch something or other. I don’t quite remember. In any case, it felt like it was a “soap” dream – nothing massively dramatic happened, but I suppose stuff it working it’s way through the passages of my psyche.

It’s quite trippy to think that this thing, the brain, creates all this madness. When you see it represented visually, as a squishy set of squishy stuff encased in squishy sausage type stuff, it’s insane to think that all of this craziness happens in there.. Your creativity, dreams, layers of consciousness.. I don’t know.. It’s weird.

Now I’m a bit stuck and feeling annoyed! What is with that? I don’t understand. I feel like a complete fatso at the moment, which isn’t helping. I’m not getting things done – I should have got out of bed this morning and worked out, but I’ve allowed a minor cramp to stop me which has annoyed me as I know that the solution to the way I’m feeling is to simply work out. I’m not making enough progress. That’s how I feel at the moment and it’s swilling around in my system. Need to sort it out! I don’t know, I’m struggling at the moment a bit – now I do feel that I should concentrate on giving the self – image a bit of love again as it’s feeling a bit tired. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m designed to self- criticise as a means of letting out frustration when I feel shackled by my own mind. I kind of understand what Obi – Wan means when he tells Anakin to be mindful of his feelings because they betray him.. On the one hand, yes, they can give him away. On the other, you feel something, but you know, objectively, that it’s not really there… So you’re annoyed, about something, but you’re not justified in that annoyance, because whatever is causing that feeling isn’t showing itself anymore – you’ve lost it, and you don’t know your own mind or feelings and the only thing that the emotion is doing for you is causing utter confusion and pain. The human animal. Very strange. Why am I now feeling this way? Grumpy grumpy guilty guilty. Need to get myself into the right space – basically stop complaining. Then again, if I’m going to do it, this is a better place than anywhere else. Always good to get it out of your system.

I’ve just thought – maybe I’m just going through some kind of weird withdrawal from exercise? It’s only been 2 days since my last workout and I’m going mad. Hmm.

Bowie Bowie Bowie; it’ll be awesome!

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