Tues Jul 30th 2013

Vector Floral Ornaments (2)6.53 a.m.

Quite hungry this morning. Had a 3am wake up where I listened to the first movement of Rachmaninov’s Piano Concerto No. 2 in C Minor (it seems hilarious to me that I wrote that now), did a mental rehearsal for this audition tomorrow, did a relaxation exercise and fell back asleep. I did have dreams in my mind at that point – they seem to have escaped me now, but I’m sure they’ll drift back soon enough.

David Bowie Is.. was absolutely brilliant – I’m so pleased I got tickets and went. It’s so inspiring – basically a portrait of someone’s ideas and how they formulated all of the magic they came up with – successes, failures and non – starters included. Formulated is probably the wrong word, actually, because it struck me that what Bowie did was allow himself to take in LOADS of stuff, legions of information and stimuli, and let it all sink and mingle and come out in whatever form in his own unique work. Although there is something quite “deliberate” about his work, there is also a sense of individuality and uncompromising commitment to a unique idea or vision that I respect, because that can only come from a subconscious mingling of ideas, at it’s core. I think, anyway. Love that concept; it makes us all alchemists – although I’m not sure that the world and all that exists is strictly a base metal so perhaps that isn’t the best analogy. I think when we’re born though, we’re just potential waiting to be realised, like a base metal that can be transformed. Which may be the whole concept anyway and I’m too sleepy to reconcile it properly. Confused!

At 3 a.m, when I woke up briefly, the news came on, and I heard about the train crash in Switzerland and 2 boys being murdered; not the best stuff to be hearing about in the dead of night when you’ve just woken up. Anyway, I’m thinking that recently, my morning notes have been quite negative, moany, and I feel quite paranoid and strange being so utterly brat like. Could it be that the voice of my Inner Child, who, from what I recall, was never really allowed it’s bratty voice, is finally being released somehow? Is this what expressing yourself actually is? A willingness to admit to those petty tendencies as well as those wow, life is amazing type ones? It’s strange. I feel myself having more fun in my self – expression – both happy and sad (oddly), angry and compassionate – but it’s an intense way to live. One feels a bit mad, sometimes. The other day, I was so damn tired and SO angry that I felt like I could go off at any point – I’ve never felt like that before. It was intense.

I got a bit freaked out yesterday. Me and Billy seem to be arguing a lot. I don’t know why. I seem to have a better, more relaxed time, when I go and do things in London on my own. I get to places on time, I enjoy them, don’t feel stressed or rushed and I don’t know.. Yesterday involved 4 different arguments and I felt like I was marched through the exhibition because he’d been before. He then told me that part of the reason he was so annoyed was because he wanted to show me something and I apparently turned away, which I don’t remember happening; but his response, for a certain duration, was pretty intense and there were instances when I simply felt like leaving and coming back home because it simply didn’t feel like fun at that point. As soon as we get home, he’s absolutely fine and lovely again – comfortable, I suppose, but when he’s at all nervous, it’s impossible to have fun and relax because he’s, I don’t know, not having a good time, I guess. But then I think it must just be me, because he goes into London to meet Tylor, and they seem to have a great time.. I’m wondering whether this is part of my aversion to co – parenting; Dad was a bit like that – he’d get so worked up because of some perceived sense of inadequacy that he’d get frustrated and angry and take it out on everyone. Billy is never going to be as terrifyingly angry or unreasonable as Dad could be, of course, he’s too gentle and kind for that, but I feel a pattern that is similar, not in it’s destination but in it’s process and feeling. I think I am also anxious because he didn’t seem to express himself on Saturday; the weird guy walking behind us didn’t help, obviously, but even when he was gone, he wasn’t being as open as I’d want him to be. For a while, I was feeling sure. After yesterday and the sense that he was just grumpy on Saturday and brought my mood down, I feel unsure again. My standards and expectations are high, but that’s a defence too. A natural one, I think. It’s crunch time. I just want to be able to have a good time without the grumpiness – the Billy that I have at home, in the outside world. I don’t know, perhaps that’s not how it works. I feel awful for thinking like this now. It’s hardly an accepting kind of stance, is it? I really feel like a complete cow now, so I’m going to stop because I’m so far from being perfect myself I can hardly talk and it’s pathetically hypocritical for me to be thinking like this when I have so far to go myself. The worst bit is I know I’ll try and talk about it, and it’ll end up causing loads of stress, so I’m starting to feel like I should put a lid on it again, which is bad and not what I want. I can feel my resting HR is higher at the moment too, and my body is tense. I’m falling into a space and I don’t really understand it. I just know that it’s hard work and I feel a bit lost.

Perhaps the way will become clear when I start doing loads of stuff again. At the moment, I’m struggling with my PT stuff – and I’m really anxious about this audition, which is playing on my mind too and isn’t helping. I miss writing, and need to kick off a regime exercise wise because I’m feeling slugging and as though running isn’t enough. Need to keep positive and keep on moving forward.

Right. Run time. That’ll definitely help.

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