Entry 2: May 26th, 2016 (Week 5)

sketch-doodles-confusion-29180497I feel completely wired today. I woke up with all these anxieties in my head. I was the recipient of a set of messages yesterday that have really stressed me out. I’m feeling threatened because things that I use as a crutch to maintain my sense of identity feel as though they are under some kind of attack, or at least, aren’t held with enough respect to be considered a catch-all solution to someone else’s personal need to step on my territory to make themselves feel better.

Oh dear. Am I actually this person? Am I really so easily threatened?

The funny thing is, I know what’s going on. I know it’s all hormones and I can have some semblance of control over how I react to things, but I just don’t seem to have the energy to deal with anyone else’s shit right now. Actually.. I don’t even think anyone is giving me any shit. I’m just seeing it that way, and feeling that way, but if I’m honest with myself, anything and everything could set me off, completely irrationally. There’s nothing rational about the way I feel today.

I feel much better for exercising. I can’t believe how anxious I feel about cutting back on the amount and intensity that I do if / when this pregnancy progresses. Am I really so superficial that I care so much about getting fat? To me, it represents slothfulness. In my own body, anyway, because I know it isn’t the natural way I am. Actually, no, that’s a lie. I feel like slothfulness is my natural state, and I live my life in perpetual fear that the world will see it. I can’t even relax and let myself eat properly. I’m far too concerned that I will make the wrong choices, either for myself or for the apple pip. Vanity plays a huge part in this too. I wish it didn’t. I really wish I was over this shit.

Are my reasons for going down this road the right ones? Can I do everything I believe I can do? Am I completely deluded? I’ve come to this conclusion that I don’t have to give up career to bring a person into the world. I’m in a lucky position; I don’t have to worry about the same things that many have to consider in this situation. I know I’m supported at work more than anyone I can think of in this position; I can pursue all of my goals without feeling like I’m going to be lost without a net. I have amazing friends. I have a wonderful partner. A brother I can rely on. So why am I feeling so anxious?

I worry that all of my hard work over the past 3 years is going to go to waste. I worry that I won’t achieve my goals, and that I’ll become this resentful person who, instead of admitting that they failed to achieve their goals, will blame their child for their perceived failures. I feel misunderstood, somehow, but as soon as I think the thought I beat myself up completely for being so adolescent. I wonder how I’m judged. I’m nervous that my ambition to achieve on the world stage completely clouds my ability to be a compassionate person. I’m nervous that my ambition will consume me if I don’t keep working to realize it, and right now, I don’t feel like I’m working hard enough to realize it, but I can’t find the energy to do all the things that make me feel better about myself.

It’s just not possible for me to spend every moment of every day completing my ridiculous to – do list. I can’t write, do my acting exercises, exercise, get my fitness website up and running, write up a blueprint for a company, push for the completion of a film, keep my acting career developing, commute for 5 hours 3 days a week and plan a wedding. It all feels like too much, but when I don’t get it all done.. I feel like shit. And I’m feeling like shit a lot of the time right now.

Wow. The theme of the day is basically that I’m in a bit of a crazy mood and it’s just as well I’m working at home and no one is going to have to deal with me until a bit later. Woe betide anyone who tries to deal with me…!

I do feel better for typing it all out, though. It’s ugly stuff, but better out than in. It’s kind of embarrassing, but isn’t this the chaos of being human, anyway? It’s been a long time since I tried to pretend that I’m anything but a massive mess of neuroses, but I realized this morning… I couldn’t publish anything on this blog because I started to do the very thing I’ve been working to stop in myself for years. I started to hide from the reality of who I am. A very confused human being. With A LOT of hangups.

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