Entry 3: May 27th, 2016 (Week 5)

AOI KenjiPhew. I’m not completely crazy. Even the doctor thinks I’m pregnant, so I don’t feel quite so crazy anymore. I couldn’t believe how anxious I felt waiting for the result of the test; imagine if I wasn’t pregnant at all, and had somehow just convinced myself of it! That would be insane, but not beyond the realms of possibility. Sometimes human self-delusion is absolutely terrifying, and I’m not exempt from it. Not one bit.

Last night was interesting. Actually, the day was interesting. I started off completely wired and anxious. Then, I went out, and mooched around. I like seeing the world, all the people with all their stories and so many sights and sounds to feed this insatiable need for…something. It was really warm and sunny, and the world seemed like a happy place. It always does when the sun is out. I’m definitely a summer person; for some reason that made me think that it’s weird that this apple pip, if it makes it through the developmental stages and comes to term, will be born in January, when it’s freezing cold. I don’t want to be in hospital in January when it’s cold!

It was great to meet a few new people, and have some interesting conversations about business, passions, and what it means to make informed life choices. I realised that I may well end up making some radical choices with regards to education; I didn’t ever feel that school taught me anything more than the basics. I still find it amazing that I managed to do well despite a shockingly bad attendance record at school. So many people I talk to now, successful people, remark on how disengaged they felt as they went through the conventional education system. Isn’t that interesting? It may also be confirmation bias, because I feel that way, but still. It’s interesting.

Getting stuff done makes me feel good. So getting that meeting with the restaurant out of the way felt great; but I’m not sure the manager is used to being bombarded with quite so many detailed questions about the logistics of the day! It was the perfect precursor to the evening, which became a bizarre few hours filled with emotional drama that I don’t really have the energy for, but that also proved highly educational in demonstrating the progress that I may have made with regards to my own self-esteem.

Family is a funny thing. You have a cord that attaches you to family, no matter what. Sometimes that cord is a source of great joy, and lends itself to a great sense of fulfilment. Sometimes that cord feels so restrictive that it could throttle you, if you allow it to.

My family is a mess. I don’t often process it, but organising this wedding has forced me to look at the emotionally complex sinkhole that it is, and last night’s conversation affirmed my suspicion that there is a level of selfishness, self – martyrdom and self pity that runs in my family. I’m not exempt from it (I maintain a blog dedicated to my self pity!), but I see it in myself, and am almost cripplingly (is that even a word?!) aware of it. And I don’t try to blame others for my predicament. Last night I was attacked for not only being the cause of pain, but also for not engaging in negative talk about others. My reaction to the attack surprised me.

A few years ago, I would have quietly taken it, attempting to placate and smooth over the conflict and the aggression. Yesterday, I found myself fighting right back when I felt that I needed to, defending my position when I needed to, and listening and accepting when it felt right to do so. There was no thought process involved; no sense of an attempt to protect or justify the actions of the other person, no fear of consequence, no question of my right to speak. I reacted, completely truthfully, and amazingly, the message was received – not completely, but more than I could have expected. I’m not someone who will be walked over, or accused of foul play, or who will accept resentful memory mongering to justify a less than justifiable position. My life is clean. The only company I keep is the company I want to keep. I won’t sit around bitching about other people, because I don’t need to. I don’t deal with people I don’t like, or respect, or don’t trust. Those aren’t the choices I make. I would rather be on my own than surround myself with negativity just because of a warped sense of duty, or obligation, or self imposted martyrdom.

Well, that isn’t strictly true, actually. Family, you don’t choose. You put up with them, accept them, and despite this kind of drama, you accept that it’s part of the course and accept your responsibility to the people who have raised you. Sometimes, you may even have a good time hanging out with them. Ha. I find it so amusing when I go off on one in my head about how I stick to a particular value with complete commitment and am ridiculously staunch about it, before I realise that actually, there are exceptions. Lots of them. Oops.

It’s crazy. I’m about to start my own family, and I’m becoming acutely aware of the cracks in my own family. How will it all work? Am I bringing my child into a world of conflict? Is it fair to do so? How much do I contribute to the mess? Will I end up recreating the same mess because actually, I’m part of it and contribute to the negativity, somehow?

Ah. It’s all too tiring to think about. You just carry on through life, dealing with it all as you go, right? I really hope I don’t fuck this one up. It’s too important.

Yeah. On with Today. Lots to do, little time to mull! Or, it’s easier not to right now. I think I’ll work out and get my mind off it all.

 

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