Entry 4: May 28th, 2016 (Week 5)

croissantI feel pretty good this morning. My mind isn’t quite filled with the anxieties and craziness that seem to have been the norm over the last few days. My eyes are bleary, there’s a constant churning in my stomach, and I can’t fight the tiredness, but I don’t feel so wired. It’s nice. It’s almost like being stoned, but with a few added physical symptoms and none of the paranoia that makes suffering those symptoms scary. I say suffering, but the truth is, I’m grateful for them. They root the reality of the situation into something tangible. If I feel nauseous, or tired, or my stomach is churning, or I have slight cramps..It means something is going on in there. The apple pip is developing. When it’s quiet, and I feel a bit more “normal”… I start to worry that the crazy ride is all the product of some kind of lucid dream.

I don’t find it beyond the realms of possibility that my sitting here writing this could simply be a moment in the same lucid dream. That every thought I’m having, every sensation I’m feeling isn’t real in the way that you’re taught that things are real. Inside my brain (again, it’s just called a brain – it’s basically a squishy thing with some stuff underneath / inside it that apparently fires off all of these responses and messages and creates all these pathways but at the core of it, it’s just “something”) there’s all this stuff going on and all I’m doing is processing it in a way that stops me from going absolutely crazy from the overstimulation of it all. I wonder what it would be like to experience the entirety of it all, just for a moment. Pretty amazing, overwhelming, and, quite possibly, fatal. I can’t conceive of the magnitude of it all. It’s both an awesome prospect, and a terrifying one. Like most things that are worth experiencing, apparently.

I have the Star Wars main theme playing in my head now. Does that mean that the Apple Pip can hear it? Ha! I capitalized Apple Pip, because this week, Week 5, that is it’s official name. Does the Apple Pip feel the thoughts that I have? It must do, in some way, because the thoughts and reactions that I have cause a physiological response, which the Apple Pip is now an integral part of, so it must experience some of the craziness that is being Me. I feel sorry for it. It probably doesn’t want to have to worry about whether it’s actually REAL or not at this stage. It probably just wants to be fed.

I have to do some major research into how to eat well for a developing Apple Pip. I have no idea of what it needs; and the internet, while a wonderful resource, is so full of conflicting information it’s impossible to separate the science from the fad. My digestion isn’t doing too well at the moment, so I have to be careful of that, but bizarrely when my digestion is off, all I want to eat is white toast. Apparently terrible for you! What is that all about?! Probably something to do with soluble vs insoluble fibre, but every time I start reading about I get tired and end up reading about something more interesting.

Am I getting lazy? Or am I actually tired?! This is a question I keep asking myself. I worry that I’m basically using this pregnancy as a justification for indulging my laziness and that I’m just imagining it all. I never really believe that I’m justified in resting, or being tired. I have too many things that I want to do, that NEED to get done (at least in my own head), and they aren’t getting done right now. So the rest and tiredness isn’t justified. I have to earn it.

Hmm. I’m noticing a theme in what I’m thinking about each morning. It’s probably time to sit down and work out a solution to this thought process; I’m..running in circles, chasing our tails….

Damn. What song is that from? Something by Coldplay? Yes!

“Nobody said it was eaasssy……”

Right. Dress fitting. But first. A croissant. Ha. Probably not a great move for someone feeling so anxious about getting the right nutrition for a growing seed. Where is my self control?!





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