Entry 5: 29th May, 2016 (Week 5)

14974827-chinese-style-dragon-statue-line-sketch-upI woke up with dream fragments in my head. Mum was definitely part of one of them; I’d walked to a café she was working in, and asked her for the name of a film that she likes. Or maybe it was a song that she likes. The details are sketchy, but it all ended up being a case of major miscommunication and I left the café feeling devastated and cried all the way to wherever it was I was going, hoping that no one would notice.

I had other dream fragments in my head when I woke up; they aren’t with me just now. I’m sure they’ll drift back in the midst of another thought.

“You are not the centre of the universe (easy to forget), but a unique participant.” It’s true; it’s so easy to forget that there is more to the universe than you and your life – there’s a contribution to make to the tapestry of the universe as a whole. That feels like a far healthier way to assess goals, ambitions and self -identity than basically running around in circles wondering if you’ll get what you think you want out of life.

It strikes me that all of the anxiety that I’ve been feeling is rooted in a basic sense of losing sight of what’s really important. I’ve become terrible at prioritising. I feel like there is too much to do, but one must take responsibility for being in that situation; I’m the architect of the landscape of my own life, so if I feel overwhelmed.. It’s because I’ve made choices that have allowed me to be so. I don’t know how I lost sight of that, but somehow, I did. I was at my happiest, or most content, or at least felt like I was going in the right direction, when I was independently moving towards my goals. I knew what they were, I knew what was an irrelevance, and I had such a strong sense of direction that I ceased to be threatened by many of the things that had haunted me through childhood and adolescence. That wasn’t sheer good luck. That was a sense of recognising what was important, and moving towards that. And it was a project in itself understanding what it was I was aiming for in the first place. Clearly, I’ve made some changes in my outlook since that period, and my priorities have shifted. I don’t put the same value on things as I used to, and place much higher values on other things, so there’s a job to be done before I keep on wearing myself on a treadmill that is taking me nowhere.

I need to work out what it is that I actually WANT. And I need to start being brutally honest about my landscape, and what needs changing, what needs more nurturing, and whether there is anything that is contributing to my feelings of stagnation and frustration outside of myself which needs addressing. Once I’ve done that, I can get on with things. Somewhere along the line, I’ve lost focus. This isn’t the time to allow myself to lose focus.

Hmm. The wedding last night was a bit dull. It’s often the way when you arrive for the evening party and you don’t really know anyone, but I found myself counting the minutes before it was socially acceptable to leave. I mean, there was NO ONE on the dancefloor! Come on! It was a relief to find someone who was chatty before the night was through to help the final hour go by with a bit more speed, but I was still relieved when we decided it was time to head off. There’s a limit to how much small talk I can handle; which I see as a failing, actually. Talking about rabbits, how lovely the wedding is, how lovely the bride looks, how the Sat Nav couldn’t find the place is all well and good, but those topics have a very short shelf life. There’s an art to conversation – one should be able to have a conversation with anyone and be able to steer it in an interesting direction, because everyone is interesting, but I’m not great at it. I just get bored, notice that we are running out of small talk items to work through, and prepare myself for the inevitable awkward silence when one person sighs, says “yeah, so”, smiling, or laughing nervously, and you both look away hoping that there’s something that you can pretend has caught your attention so you don’t have to admit that there is literally nothing more to add to the conversation. I always feel guilty when that happens. Like I’ve made the other person feel bad, somehow. Realistically though, I doubt it bothers them in the slightest.

I hope my lack of focus and insistence on focusing on anxiety provoking things has something to do with the hormones swilling around in my system, because I am frustrated that so much of my time is spent focusing on superficial concerns that can only stress me out. It’s tempting to just spend the whole day sleeping it off. My brain is starting to fill itself up with rubbish thoughts and I don’t want it to!

Right. Going to get on and DO something. Let’s be sensible and have some breakfast. The world will seem much better after that, I’m sure.




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