Entry 6: 30th May, 2016 (Week 6)

13132925-Sketch-Man-walks-with-dog-in-strong-wind-Stock-VectorWe’ve made it to Week 6! Huzzah! We’re celebrating with nausea and a terrible tummy, hopefully not a sign of things to come, but from everything I’ve read, probably. Damn!

I’m usually a “cold” person, and take every opportunity to wrap myself up in a hot water bottle and blanket to protect myself from the slightest chill. Over the last couple of days, I’ve really appreciated the chill of the wind, and this morning is no different. Bed was warm and snuggly, but it wasn’t helping with the nausea. A wave of cold wind coming through the hallway helped, and now I find myself hearing the howl of the wind outside and quietly asking it to please direct itself my way to help relieve the weird nauseous but hungry feeling I have at this stage of the morning.

I’ve never been so grateful for a bank holiday. It feels difficult to keep up with work at the moment; possibly because I’m not motivated generally, but I’m sure the fatigue and nausea have a lot to do with the struggle too. Work is interesting at the moment; on the one hand, great things are happening. Business is expanding, and there is real progress happening. Although it’s difficult to see it just yet, I have enough intelligence to know that in a year, the landscape will be very different. That’s progress, and I like progress. All that said, I’m spending all of my time doing work that I thought I’d left behind. Although there is a greater goal, the goal of creative emancipation, at the moment, it feels like it is less of a priority than this large expansion, and practically speaking, I suppose it has to be. We all need to earn a living. And this is a short-term sacrifice for a very long term gain. But, that doesn’t stop the feeling of stagnation that I’m feeling creatively. Hopefully it’ll all sort itself out once work on the November play begins, but I am learning that I need that creative agenda to be running with the same priority as the business expansion, or I start to feel the itch. And it’s not one I can ignore. I’m sure it’ll all feel much better when the stage production moves into first gear and I’ll look back on this period and understand that it was a necessary “rest” from having two strong agendas running concurrently.

I am finding the fatigue trying. I started writing a screenplay, and have the impulse to keep writing it, but it’s so damn difficult to keep my eyes open at the moment! For the last couple of days I’ve fallen asleep on the sofa and not even realised it; and that doesn’t affect my ability to sleep all night and struggle to wake up in the morning. I just can’t seem to get enough shut-eye. I hope that’s normal and not some kind of sign of ill health. I’m sure it’s perfectly normal; we’re building a crazy encampment in there somewhere, can’t be easy work!

I’ve just rested my head and eyes for a moment, because again, I am bleary eyed this morning. It’s SO weird! How many hours of sleep have I had over the last 24 hours? So I napped from 16.30 – 18.30, and then went to bed at 22.30 and woke up at 8am. That’s 11 and a half hours sleep. And I could still go more! That’s A LOT of sleep.

I think I am also a little bit exhausted because I’m dealing with some landscape changes that I know are necessary, but that are also difficult to process properly. I’ve felt a certain level of withdrawal from some friends recently, and I completely understand why that’s happened, but I’m not entirely sure that I deserve it. Then again, I’ve always been someone with an inflated self-opinion. My ego, when under attack, takes a very staunch defence position and simply reminds itself that actually, the loss is not Mine. I’m doing okay, and perhaps the way that things are playing themselves out are a healthy demonstration of where to direct the focus of a very limited energy reserve. You can’t live your life trying to justify the behaviours of anyone else. It’s tiring enough trying to understand your own. Some people are there for you through thick and thin, and some are not. Some are good at talking the talk, but can’t walk the walk. There’s no bad intent, or even a willing deception. It’s a simple case of not being able to follow through on the promises of friendship. In truth, there shouldn’t really be any. That’s the lesson I’m learning. You can’t do things with the expectation that your trust will be respected, or protected. It’s a risk that you take, and no one else is responsible for your decision. Expectation is the thing that causes pain, not the actions of others. Or even your own reactions to the actions of others. It’s the expectation and trust that you allow yourself to have in the first place that is the problem. Life is far easier when you maintain a safe distance from the majority, and choose, with great prejudice, who is allowed to get close (like it’s so great anyway!). I’ve done pretty well at making my choices, but I think I’ve made a few errors in judgment too. It’s all learning.

It’s funny. Planning this wedding has also drudged up things that I wasn’t expecting. Not in anyone’s behaviour; everyone is actually behaving exactly according to type – but in my own responses to seeing those predictable behaviours play themselves out. I fully expected a dramatic blow up close to the wedding relating to family; creating an odd chasm of communication where on the surface there is no remaining animosity, but there remains an understanding of the reality. Sometimes, what people want to do for you, and what they say they will do, is very different to what their psychology will allow them to do. It’s not because someone is a bad person, or because they want to stress you out, or make it difficult for you. That isn’t the conscious intention. It’s because they want so much to be someone, and they will say what they need to say to make themselves believe that they ARE That person, but the truth is, they are someone else. Someone that they don’t like. And when their actions show them to be that person that they don’t like… They want someone to reassure them that they are, in fact, the person that they want to be. They want you to lie for them, and make them feel better. I’m not sure I’m kind enough to do that.

I’m tired of talk the talk characters. I have absolutely zero respect for talk. If you’re going to do something, just DO it. Don’t make a big song and dance about it and feed your need for approval by simply lapping up the approval that you get from saying that you’re going to do something. DO the things you want to do – BE the person you want to be, and maybe you’ll feel better because you’ll finally know, deep within yourself, that you aren’t a liar. I’ll only ever believe it when I see it.

Whoah. What was all that about?! Hormones!

Or, a bit of honesty for once. I’ve been working so hard to justify the actions of others lately, that I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to really vent or to be truthful with myself about how I’ve been feeling. I’m scared that I’ll end up withdrawing from people I care about because actually, whether rightly or wrongly, I feel hurt, or alone, or whatever other crazy notion I develop. I’ve felt out of sorts for a while, but I haven’t been able to talk about it, or even write it out and deal with it myself because for the first time in years, I was actually afraid of what it would all mean. I’m able to be more honest now, and deal with it, because I’ve settled into a secure, stable environment, with someone who I know is there for me no matter what, and has the ability to follow through on that promise. The amazing thing is, that he doesn’t ever talk about that. He just does it. That’s behaviour I can respect.

Anyway…. Sometimes, when I write like this, I don’t quite know what I’m talking about. But I let it write itself out anyway, because my mind always intervenes when it starts getting truthful. Seems to be a human affliction; the desire to always seem like you’re cool with everything, even if you’re not, because the chaos is messy.

Still, it’s honest. And that’s all I ever want to be.

Hopefully on to a not – too- crazy day….!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s