Entry 7: May 31st, 2016 (Week 6)

bananaWow. The nausea is really hitting me now. Yikes! How do people cope with this? Absolutely horrible but I guess it’s all part of the course. I really just want to sleep all the way into work, but is that going to set me up the best possible way for the rest of the day? I’m not sure it will. I may have made a bad choice getting the slow train, but at least it’s kind of empty. I’ll pay the price once I’m in London, but what can you do? Only your best.

I’m stunned at how quickly certain smells can make me heave. Going into the kitchen feels fraught with danger at the moment. Previously it was a delight to walk in to the smell of home cooked dinners. Now it hits me really hard and makes my stomach turn. That said, I really enjoyed the bolognese yesterday. Which was a relief, because I don’t want to be the person who refuses food made with love. That seems hurtful to me.

Left the house in such a hurry I forgot my rings and my gloves. I’ve probably forgotten something more important somewhere along the line, but I’ll find out when it’s time. It was an unbelievable struggle getting out of bed; I dreamt about a gym that was attached to a Costa coffee. I was trying to remember how I’d managed to get into the gym with my coffee rewards card previously when an older guy, of quite imposing stature (looked a bit like Pete Postlethwaite) pushed his way in front of me. Anyway, long and short of it is, my alarm went off before it all came to a conclusion – it was such a vivid dream I honestly believed I was living it and was shocked when I actually woke up.

The train has filled up. Dammit! I guess it’s inevitable at this time of day, but I wish it weren’t the case. I suppose I’ll have to get used to it. Then again, maybe I don’t. Maybe one of the advantages of being in the kind of work environment I’m in is that I don’t have to bear the trials that many have to deal with in this situation. Maybe that’s part of what I’ve earned. Who knows?

Argh. I’m feeling so tired! And I really dislike feeling queasy.

Took a break for some shut eye between West Hampstead and Farringdon. Got on the tube at Farringdon – a H&C line within 2 minutes, what luck! – and after a quick scan of the tube carriage predicted, quite correctly, who was likely to get off at Barbican. Now nicely parked on a seat. Moorgate. Did I really used to work in Moorgate? How did I cope with the boredom?! I guess it wasn’t too bad; all those long lunches – but what’s the point in having to be somewhere every day of every week if all you’re ever really doing is planning ways to escape from it without appearing to be? It’s an odd way to live. Although many would argue that what I’m doing now is stranger.

People are strange

When you’re a stranger

Faces look ugly..

When you’re alone

Women seem wicked 

When you’re unwanted

Streets are uneven

When you’re down

Now the guitar solo is playing in my head.

Good lord! I’ve just caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection and I look awful! Haha! Like someone who should be kept locked in attic – a mad woman, a la Rochester’s wife! Blimey. I know I struggled this morning but I didn’t realise it was that obvious!

Damn. I have a squishy banana in my bag. That’ll be a nightmare to clean up. Hopefully I can still eat it, though the thought of it is making me feel queasy at the moment. What a surprise. Can anyone else smell it? It’s intense! I didn’t realise how much bananas spread their aroma! 

Watching those documentaries last night was interesting. Addiction is such a strong human trait. It’s almost like we’re hard wired to be addicts. And our brains are so vulnerable that trauma can cause a fundamental shift in personality. That’s kind of scary, but also quite liberating. Surely it gives credence to the argument that you can always change? Haven’t really thought it through, though, maybe I would find a strong counter argument if I did. As it stands… I’m too bloody tired.

I think I read that this is a really important week for a baby’s development. It may even be that the heart develops into the four chamber system that we have, and maybe the heart even starts beating. I may be thinking ahead, but if that is the craziness happening in Week 6, all this nausea and fatigue is worth it! It’s all worth it. Though I still have the fear… Will we get through? It’s so all consuming, the idea that your body is responsible for the survival of someone else. Sometimes I don’t quite know how to process it. Slowly, very slowly, I’m letting go of old, self punishing habits, and coming around to the thought that if I look after myself better, I’ll be looking after the Apple Pip better. Actually, I wonder what size we are now. Maybe we have grown into something a bit bigger. I’ll have to check.

Not far from work now. If I make it without being sick and completely losing all sense of dignity…. It’ll feel like a crazy victory!

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