Entry 8: June 1st, 2016 (Week 6)

41638049-Endless-train-track-Perspective-view-of-straight-Train-track-Sketch-Outlines--Stock-VectorWhat a surprise. All I can really seem to focus on this morning is nausea. I’ll have to develop some coping strategies if this is to go on for the next couple of months – though I’m hoping it just stops and so that I don’t have to worry about it. I feel like a balloon. I know I haven’t eaten too much – in fact, despite being nauseous, I’m also feeling super hungry, which makes sense as I had a very light dinner. This train is packed, so I’m working hard to maintain my dignity by not having to use the sick bag I’ve started carrying around with me, but it does feel like tough work. I’m not sure of what the evolutionary reason for this is – whenever you read anything online about symptoms, they just say it’s progesterone and leave it at that. I’d like to know why it’s useful for a woman to feel dehabilitated by nausea for months in the term of her pregnancy when it’s safest not to tell anyone!

The good news is, this is a fast train, so even though it’s packed, I don’t have to hold it together for too long. Obviously I’ll have to keep it together on the tube too, but I’m hoping that the change of scene will somehow make it easier. Maybe some water will help.

Anyway, my journeys to work have been fun in the sense that I’ve been going through my favourite tracks with the purpose of working out the OST to the wedding. Ah, past W Hampstead. Thank eff. Not too far now. Hopefully a load of people will come off at Kings Cross and there will be a bit more space to breathe on the train.

Where was I? Ah, yes. The upside of commuting. Which has always been that it affords me the opportunity to do some Me things that actually marry quite well with the commuting process. You see ALOT when you commute. I see the shift in behaviours from the residential vibe of the enclave that we live in, and the gradual shift towards city style detachment. The train station, and the way that individuals interact with the guys and gals selling tickets can be very telling.

Oh dear. The train has come to a halt. No! Please keep moving!

Still not moving. But it’s only been 10 seconds. There’s a baby on this train, making hilarious noises. I wish I was allowed to do that.

Okay. So the train isn’t moving for a while. Fucking typical. Not the day for me! But I’m sure it’s okay for everyone else, so I’m just going to have to wait it out with the rest of the people on here.

In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter. I basically just feel a little bit off because that is one of the symptoms associated with what is going on in my body. I could take the opportunity to have a nap. Maybe that would make this waiting around seem worthwhile. No one really seems phased by the situation. I guess all you can do in this predicament is be philosophical, but the knock on effect is rather frustrating. Basically, with every moment that goes by, the tubes are getting busier, as we are getting closer to peak time. So with every moment that this train stands here, my journey is becoming more and more people dense, which, simply as a thought, makes me feel uneasy. That said, I’ll just have to deal with it. Maybe this is a good test of resolve. It’ll all be fine. I’m going to take a few minutes to nap while this train related drama plays itself out.

So the train moved, and I’m now on the Central Line heading towards Mile End, where I’ll catch the H&C or District Line. Why am I telling myself that? I know that! The only thing I could bear to stomach was a bite of an Eat Natural Bar – which I know is full of sugar but somehow, despite my better judgment (I like this Duke…!) Thank you Dr. Kynes! Anyway despite my better judgment (I can hear the same quote in my head again!), I can only seem to stomach stuff that has a less than optimum nutritional profile. I read yesterday that there is a safeguard built in to protect Apple Pip from Mum’s bad nutrition during this phase, in the form of a Something-Yolk, so I’m hoping that I’m not doing any damage from having a less than optimum diet going on just now.

Can I use the pregnancy card to get seats on a busy tube yet? Probably not, unfortunately. It’s so weird, I feel SO pregnant, but it’s so utterly intangible that I feel like a deluded crazy person for being so swamped in these symptoms!

It was interesting discussing friendships yesterday. I love intelligent conversation. I always learn so much when I’m in good company, and always grateful when I’m allowed to indulge myself a bit, ramble on about stuff and come across some new conclusions or at least possible roads towards alternative conclusions to eternal questions. I learnt a lot about myself yesterday during that chat. I realised how lucky I am to be in a position where I genuinely feel that my friends love me. It sounds like such an obvious thing, but hearing my sister the other day.. I was surprised by how little I could relate to her negativity. I realised that she has negative things to say about everyone in her life; and can’t trust her friends, even. She can’t expect for her friends to want the best for her. How shitty is that? Whatever the reasons for her feeling that way; objective truth, a victim complex, or a combination of both – she can’t trust ANYONE. I find it difficult at the early stages,  but I am capable of trusting. And I’m lucky enough to have people in my life who won’t abuse it. Despite my tendency to over think and stress myself out about a small number who may behave selfishly, when I look at the bigger picture… I’m surrounded by people who are genuinely on my level, and who I truly believe want only the best for me. Not everyone is so lucky. A simple chat last night really brought that home, and it felt good.

Argh. I’m still feeling so queasy! Yuk. Almost at work now. Oh man. Having to deal with personnel issues is NOT fun. Not very surprisingly, I’m too sleepy and nauseous to worry about it too much just now, but I’m feeling relatively stable emotionally today. Perhaps hormonal sparks will fly tomorrow! 


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