Entry 10: June 3rd, 2016 (Week 6)

pencil-sketch-woman-sofa-hand-drawn-young-relaxing-many-soft-pillows-62994613Ah, it’s sweet relief working from home today and not having to deal with the commute! I don’t know if it’s psychological, but I really do feel a bit better this morning. It could also have something to do with the sheer amount of sleep I’ve had – I must have gone to bed at 9.30 last night, and got up at 7am. Apart from an hour when I listened to a re-run of the Classic FM Hall of Fame, I slept straight through. Plenty of rest and no pressure to power walk to a bus, or a train, or to deal with members of the public makes the world of difference.

Perhaps I also feel a weight lifted because while I’ve been advised to be diligent at looking after myself and keeping an eye on certain things, my doctor basically said that health issues of the past really are that – a thing of the past – and that we don’t need to factor them in to how we treat this pregnancy. A massive relief, as I’ve been quietly freaking out that it would be impossible to manage. As it happens, I may experience some difficulties beyond the norm with exhaustion, and small amounts of cramping pain that those without previous history wouldn’t have to worry about, but it’s really not a problem. I feel like a strain I’ve been carrying around for 10 years has been lifted. Being told how much you’ll struggle with this stuff because you’ve been afflicted with certain health problems in your early twenties can really make taking the step to get pregnant one of the scariest ones you can imagine. I’ve been so scared of this for such a long time; of what it’ll mean, of how difficult it could be, of how the odds are stacked against it working out. It feels amazing to have that all laid to rest and to know that working so hard to stay healthy hasn’t been a waste. Fingers crossed the odds go in our favour, and we make it through the next couple of months.

It was pretty weird getting so much literature on the whole thing yesterday. Seeing the doctor write down the due date and sign it somehow made it all feel unbelievably real. And I didn’t think it could feel more real at this stage. Being nauseous so often during the day is a definite sign that something is happening.

I’m very sensitive at the moment. I found myself getting annoyed about an email that really, I can’t be getting annoyed about. Someone is old, and forgetful, and that’s all very forgivable, but I didn’t like the tone of the email, suggesting that we hadn’t done something without actually checking the situation with us. I’m not doing the most amazing job of planning this wedding, granted, but no one has been left uninvited! It’s weird that anyone would think us capable of doing that.

The amazing thing in all this, is that … What, exactly? I’ve lost my train of thought. Actually, I think I might be self-sabotaging a bit. I’m getting to that point of writing where something truthful might come out – something that is scarily truthful, and my mind won’t let me go down that road because it’s afraid of what that might mean for general sanity levels. In a way, it’s trying to protect me, but then again, it’s not as though things that you aren’t processing cease to affect you because you’re too afraid to deal with them. They just slowly eat away at you without resolution, and eventually, you try to case them in something “safer”, deal with that, and are still left with something quite fundamental to fix.

Resting my head at an angle seems to make this easier. How am I going to get ANY work done today? Even writing these notes feels knackering. I feel like such a waste of space at the moment. The most simple tasks feel like such hard work. It’s not like me to struggle to get stuff done. And I’m really struggling at the moment. I don’t feel like the Hero in my own life at the moment. I feel like a complete waste of space. In fact, I feel like a drain on resources. It’s not a good feeling.

Argh! What’s the solution here? Just to DO something. And then I’ll feel better. Okay. Let’s try and get ourselves off the sofa and get on with the day. Feels like such hard work!

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