Entry 11: June 4th 2016 (Week 6)

stock-illustration-41677050-vector-sketch-indian-mascot-dream-catcherWe must be coming to the end of Week 6 by now? I should probably check. I’m losing days to a haze of lethargy and nausea, but refuse to allow that to be the case going forward, so I kicked today off with a light cardio workout and some good old physical acting exercises. It makes perfect sense; make a baby, carry a baby, continue to imagine yourself as a newborn baby once a day. Hmm. It makes sense in my head, anyway.

I had some interesting dreams, and remember them in fragments. Most vivid of them all, was one where myself and my work dudes found a video that we’d put together of an early project. There was footage of us going around trying to make this project happen, an utterly bizarre, cringey section with me attempting to rap (WTF?!) and loads of random footage of us speaking to young people dressed in all kinds of weird and wonderful ways. The thing that really stuck with me though… Was the studio. In this dream, I was looking at this footage, absolutely stunned by how cool our studio used to be! It was so damn cool. Massive white bookshelves, hanging lights, massive wooden desks; exactly the kind of creative hub I imagine us to be. Perhaps that image was my subconscious communicating what kind of studio I imagine would suit us in future… Hmm.. Whatever the case, I’m not going to let myself lose sight of what I saw in the found footage in that dream. It was, literally, a dream come true! Perhaps the dream was also related to the sense that I can feel things moving again with our creative projects, and that we will, by the end of this year, have 2 more projects, which, through our blood, sweat, and tears, we’ve managed to conceive, nurture, and birth. Oh dear. I’m already becoming one of those people who can only see the world in pregnancy terms! No! But.. In my defence… I’ve come to the conclusion, over the last couple of years, that there is no difference between the creativity involved in a film, or a play, or a book, or a painting, or anything that you create, and bringing up a child. Bringing up a child is like a really massive version of a creative project, and, it gives back. It lives, breathes, and develops a symbiotic relationship with you and those around you. Pretty cool. All that said, it’s fraught with all the risk of a creative project; you put your heart and soul into it, it becomes an inextricable element of your landscape.. And it’s devastating if it just doesn’t work.

Argh. I’m really having to work hard not to get excited about all this! Despite all of the risks of failure (although I’m coming around to the view that there is no such thing). Time seems to be going so quickly, but also so slowly. I just want to get through this first 3 months so it’s all less precarious.

Other dreams… In one, we were walking through a park, and ended up in a maze – one of those ones with high grass hedges, when a work colleague showed up with a tiny video camera and told us he was making a film and asked whether I would improvise a scene where I murder someone. Even in dreams, I’ll take ANY opportunity to attempt to tap into some craziness, so I said yes, of course, and proceeded to mimic a crazed mad-woman crawling up a hill in a style not unlike a demented lizard. When I raised my arm in a rage, ready to commit murder, I realised I didn’t have a weapon, so, through gritted teeth, I communicated this, was given a knife to use as a prop, and then, suddenly remembered that I hadn’t even washed my face that day, and got quite paranoid about how close the camera was getting to my mucky face. Even in dreams, however, the show must go on, and we got the take. It’s a shame that particular film one only exists in the deep recesses of my subconscious, actually. It could be an avant-garde classic.

In another fragment, I remember being in some mountainous terrain, and hearing a bugle being sounded accompanied by the sound of galloping horses. Quite scary. As the sound of horses galloping on stone became louder, we saw an army of dudes on horseback, obviously members of a religious faction, flying their flags with great pride. They allowed us to follow them to a large temple, where they were settling and making camp. A random dude was attempting to have a conversation with me; asked my name, whether I knew what my name meant, what I was doing in the mountains – all very polite – but for some reason, I was being completely unresponsive and quite rude. I wonder why. What’s that trying to tell me? Something about trust? Taking the route of defence when really, there is no need? What’s the relevance of the religious order? Hmm. There’s something cool about having a religious order appear in a dream. It makes it feel like there’s something occult going on; a deeper message of something beyond the staid. The funny thing is, religious order in my waking life represents quite the opposite; dogma, fundamentalism, a lack of appreciation of the basic fact that you can’t make sense of the chaos that is this Universe. You can only embrace it’s true nature. All that said, I don’t think that’s fair either. I’ve seen how much religion has done for my parents, and in a weird way, the strict religious upbringing I had must have had a strong effect on me and the way I live my life. This morning, I’m feeling like I’m a pretty good person (a nice way to feel!), and my upbringing must have a lot to do with that. It’s too easy to become staunch and take a strong stance on something without thinking it through. I do it far too often.

Another dream… Was about trains. We were trying to get somewhere, but had to catch a load of interconnecting trains. For some reason, these trains would stop ON the platform – so they had the feel of one of those train rides you get at theme parks. Somehow, we lost each other at one of the stations. Argh! It’s fading from my memory.. I can’t remember the rest of it now. Damn dreams! In any case, I’m sure it’s got a lot to do with movement, and a lack of convention, and maybe even representative of how you need to be lost before you can find your way.

Haven’t listened to Air in ages! I love ‘em! They make such great writing music, great movement practice music, amongst other wonderful, fun things.

I was so paranoid last night that I’m not feeding this baby enough. The nausea has really got to me, and last night, I could barely eat, so I went to bed wondering if I’m already a terrible parent! Apparently it’s all part of the course, though. It’s pretty common to feel completely unappetised by a load of foods and to basically just want cereal, so I don’t feel quite so bad about it now. I hope I feel better by the time the wedding comes around, though. Currently, the thought of chocolate fondant, usually a guaranteed solution to EVERY problem, makes me feel queasy. Seems horribly unfair.

Okay. On with Today.. My favourite Day. Fingers crossed I can actually eat something today! I’ve already had a Weetabix (which I REALLY enjoyed, simple pleasures!), so hopefully the day will carry on in the same vein. Bring on the cereal!

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