Entry 12: June 5th 2016 (Week 6)

Sunday morning
It’s just a wasted year so close….Behind…
Watch out, the world’s behind you
There’s always someone around you who will call
It’s nothing at all……

If only I could write lyrics like that!

Kicking off my Sunday morning with the hazy sound of The Velvet Underground singing about another day of being bleary eyed while the world goes on outside and the world inside remains as Nothing but fills you up with everything you could possibly want or desire.

That’s what I love about writing to music. You just go with the flow, and stop caring about whether stuff makes sense, or fits a convention, or is going to be received well. You just GO, and write whatever crazy words the music seems to be inspiring in you.

This is one of the most evocative albums I’ve ever heard. It paints a picture of life on a drug hazed, bohemian plane, full of grime and hours lost, all the while making you feel as cool as they must feel despite knowing that being so hopelessly addicted – spending every moment of every day with the hunger of a level of escape that life can’t possibly offer you is a pain greater than anything you could hope to survive.

I-i-i-i-i-i-‘m waiting for my man……

All the stuff that I woke up with in my head seems kind of boring when set against the backdrop of Lou Reed telling me what it’s like scoring on the intersection of 125th & Lexington with 26 dollars in his hand. I had a dumb anxiety dream about the wedding. Argh! I hate myself! Even in the dream, I thought was a bit silly and couldn’t quite believe that I even cared about it because actually, the only cause for stress in planning a wedding is the fact that you can, if you allow yourself to, feel as though it’s an exercise in keeping up appearances, and you can fall into the trap of believing that you have to pander to expectation. I honestly don’t care about keeping up appearances anymore. It’s all such bullshit, isn’t it? Everyone you see who keeps up appearances is devastatingly unhappy. It always seems to be the people who dare to do it differently who are the happiest. Well, maybe not – sometimes people dare to do it differently and they end up homeless and freezing on the streets in winter, but at least they tried.

Today, is the first day I’ve woken up in almost a week (or maybe it’s been a week, I’ve lost track) where I haven’t been horribly nauseous. It felt SO good! I went to the kitchen and poured myself some cereal – able to take my sweet time because I didn’t feel too sick to stomach the normal smells that you get in a kitchen. It’s been a real challenge even getting up to fix myself a drink (I can hear John Lennon in my head now – No no no / I’m so tired / I don’t know what to do / I’m sooo tired / My mind is set on you / I wonder should I call you but I KNOW what you would dooooooo).. Where was I? Ah yes, it’s been so difficult to do anything in the kitchen because I just can’t bear to be in there at the moment – the smells that will set off a wave of nausea are utterly unpredictable. Gross!

Ah. Venus in Furs! Haven’t heard this in ages!!!!!

Strike dear mistress…And cure his heart…

I am tired
I am weary
I could sleep…For a thousand years
A thousand dreams
That would awake me….
Different colours…Made of tears…

This is pure escapism. You listen to stuff that strikes a real chord with you, sometimes not even knowing why, and you can completely escape from all the madness of your own consciousness and enter the absolute insanity of someone else’s. At this point, nothing seems to matter much. It’s enough to be here, lost in the sound of someone else’s world.

Is that why I do what I do? Is it a form of escapism? I’ve never thought of it that way, but it is a way of channeling all of the stuff that I have going on and releasing it not by living it as myself, but by somehow building another person with a variety of elements that I allow myself to tune into, but that I don’t want to allow to absorb me and play a strong factor in my day to day life. When I think about it..Who I am in my day to day life is a bit of a non entity. I’ve always been the person least likely to light up a room, or to be the life and soul of the party – but in a strange way….. I like that. It somehow makes me feel like I’m conserving for more important things, like a play, or a film, or the creation of a world in a story or a screenplay. Is that an excuse, though? Am I simply trying to justify a sense of inadequacy, or a negative sense of self identity by putting it into a box that seems like a lesser indictment than simply admitting that I don’t have a great deal to offer?

6 weeks and 6 days. It’ll be great to get to Week 7. Is the Lentil going to evolve into something bigger and even better?! Or will it just be a bigger and better Lentil?

Today’s writing has felt a bit stilted. But it’s also been the freest I’ve been to really express what’s going on inside my head in a while. It’s a bit of a mess. It’s the odd feeling of coming against the final blocks before you allow a wave of truth to wash over yourself and let yourself evolve beyond the safety of where you are now. It feels good to actually FEEL myself coming up against the blocks, knowing that progress is being made. These blocks aren’t the same blocks I was coming up against a few weeks, or months ago. These feel completely new. Which means we’re swimming in new waters. And are hopefully on our way to making more discoveries and releasing the waters of the dam that has been holding itself back for far too long.

I…Don’t know…
Just where I’m going..
But I’m..
Gonna try
For the kingdom
If I can..

I could very easily spend today writing and listening to some of my favourite albums. I should probably take advantage of not feeling so nauseous to get some STUFF done, but it’s so unappealing! I’m feeling the itch. To break on through to the other side. Just to see what’s REALLY going on in or out there.

So, this is what happens when I don’t wake up with nausea. Bring on the sickness free second trimester!

 

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