Entry 13: June 7th, 2016 (Week 7)

ThunderstormDidn’t get a chance to jot any thoughts down yesterday. It was a productive day though – finally got that damn foley document completed, so between that,dialogue recording and the grading guy working on the visuals of the film, we’re well on our way towards the final push! Yeah!

I’m getting a bit tired of this overfull feeling. It’s like being really heavy but knowing that you are really hungry and that’s part of why you are feeling so sick all the time. It’s really difficult not to get frustrated. And when it’s a muggy day and your head tends to get fuzzy on muggy days anyway…. It’s not the best combination.

Anyway, there isn’t a great deal going on in my brain today. It’s been a good day, but I am suffering from digestion issues that I haven’t dealt with for years. The frustrating thing is, I know why. I’m eating food that just isn’t good for me. It wouldn’t be good for anyone. But it’s absolutely impossible to bear to think of eating much else, and when I hold off I get light headed, so it feels like I have no control whatsoever. Is this what it’s like to be addicted to something that you know is bad for you? It must be. This is probably good learning for me. It’ll make me far more sympathetic to the struggle of others. The conflict between the messages of the mind and the yearning of the body is one that we suffer from all the time, but I have never felt it so acutely and felt so utterly helpless to do anything about it. Maybe I need this. Maybe all of this anxiety actually comes down to the fact that I’m hyper controlling, and actually, this is the pain of letting go to something else. Pain to begin with, but it’ll be good for me in the long term. And a good lesson in how to let go of my ego and what I think I know just in case we come to term and I’m faced with the ultimate challenge of motherhood.

I have been stewing a bit over the events of the last few days, but actually, I think I’m over it now. The whole sorry affair made me see that there isn’t any obligation or necessity on my side to make any concessions for anyone if I don’t want to. And that it’s definitely okay to maintain a safe distance from a toxic presence, even if that presence believes that their right to you is owed, rather than earned. I realised that there is no other relationship in my life that causes me that level of strain. I’m extremely harsh in terms of who I choose to associate with, but what’s the point in spending time around anyone who you can’t actually be comfortable around? That’s such a waste of time, and energy. I feel like I have little of both. It’s too precious to waste on anyone who isn’t capable of receiving it properly. And some people just aren’t. It must be sad, living that way.

I don’t feel at all prepared for this meeting today. The fundamental work is done, but I don’t like using documents that are less than well formatted, and I wouldn’t want that to be a reflection on me, even if it is just a document for the manager to see how much food we’re ordering. I don’t know, I have pride in myself. Maybe too much. In the grand scheme of things, it isn’t really worth thinking about, is it?

Actually, what IS worth thinking about? What do I mean when I say grand scheme of things? Do I mean the grand scheme of my own life? Does that include everyone within my landscape and as a result, the knock on effect that my actions could have on the outlook and relationships of someone else? Or does it just mean me and what I want, from a material perspective? Does a spiritual concern come into it? What’s actually important? These days, I don’t know. Sometimes EVERYTHING takes on a relevance of heightened magnitude and every little event that takes place is something of a crisis. Sometimes… Everything just seems like a dumb joke. I find myself looking around and people and trying to work out drives them. I always end up asking myself what that even means.

I realised today… We’re in Week 7! The Lentil has evolved!!!! Into… A Blueberry! How awesome is that?! I wonder if it feels like a Blueberry. I wonder what it would feel like to BE a Blueberry, actually. I am taking it all a bit too literally here, obviously, that doesn’t mean it’s ACTUALLY a Blueberry, but there’s something about the idea that a baby can exist as an Apple Pip, then a Lentil, and then a Blueberry, that I quite like. That would be pretty damn impressive.

As I walk around London, I feel something I haven’t felt before.. Not in a long time, anyway. Vulnerable. I’ve always been afraid of how vulnerable a child can make you. Anyone can get to you through your child. When they hurt, you hurt. And when you mess up… They are right with you, suffering the fallout. This is a tough thing to write about. It’s like an admittance of the risk you’ve taken with another life. I suppose the only thing to do now is to make damn sure I don’t do anything to mess it up.

Argh! So uncomfortable! This seems like such a stupid evolutionary thing that happens. You get bloated and feel like you can’t eat anything that’s actually good for you at this crucial time so you get stressed out and anxious about it! How dumb is that?! I don’t want to feel bloated any more. In a few weeks I’ll be delighted to have a bump that suggests something exciting is happening, but just being bloated…

What’s the point? It’s such a waste of time!

Moan moan moan. I’m a pretty boring person at the moment in many ways. All I really seem to do is drag myself from point A to point B to point C, but I don’t feel the gusto! It’s all so much EFFORT! Even writing this… It feels like slow going. Which is rare for me when I’m just letting thoughts fall out onto the page.

Man it’s muggy today. I’m dressed semi appropriately, but had to grab a coat from the office that is 2 sizes too big for me and is quite heavy but if there are going to be thunderstorms when you’re leaving for the station…. Anyway, I made it back to the homestead which is a positive progression. I can smell cigarette smoke. I absolutely cannot stand it these days, which is odd. I’ve never had the slightest problem with it. It’s crazy how my sense of taste and smell has changed so much just because of a change of hormonal balance in my body. Strange. Anyway, I have the worst feeling that there will be another thunderstorm just as we leave the restaurant but I’ve just realised… It won’t actually matter much. We’ll just be going to the homestead anyway. It’s fun getting wet when you know you’ll be able to get out of your wet kegs fairly quickly. It’s being soaked through and having to stew in it that I hate.

Wow. I’m totally boring myself.

Meeting time. Let’s do it!

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