Another smooth journey into work so far. This is great! I love it when things go smoothly. I guess most people do, but actually, I think what I mean is, I love it when the banal stuff goes smoothly so you have enough energy left to embrace the fun chaos of the stuff that might lead to some kind of discovery or something of the sort.
I didn’t bring my shades out today. It was gloomy when I left the house but it looks really bright now. I just can’t seem to get the wardrobe choices right. Oh well. There are more important things, I suppose.
I’ve noticed that the commute has become my time to let myself get excited about things that are happening. I don’t really get excited about the wedding most of the time, simply because there’s so much to do to actually make it happen – but when I’m on the train, listening to music that makes me think of love and what it means to me in all it’s crazed, mixed up forms (at least in my head), I really feel happy that we’re doing it. And I feel really excited about The Blueberry. We might actually have created a PERSON!! Someone who could come into the world and make a positive contribution to humanity. Someone who could love, and be loved. Someone who might, one day, make more people. The commute is good for letting my thoughts drift through without any judgement or attempt to analyse them – and these days, there’s excitement about the wedding and the Blueberry and actually feeling like I’m the architect of exactly the life I want. Slowly but surely, it’s coming together. I guess it was always going to be a long path and take time – I’m basically all in in this high stakes poker game – but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’m 32. I only get one shot with this particular level of consciousness, this environment, these circumstances…. I’m not wasting it. Just in case I can lie on my death bed with no regrets. That’s all I want. I want to die content that I TRIED. Maybe I can go one better. Maybe I can actually makes all of my crazy dreams come true. And show the Blueberry that dreams needn’t be the stuff of fantasy. They are there to be realised.
It was inspiring reading about the work of Jerry Grotowski last night. I’m going to work through some of his exercises and see what I discover, if anything. I realised, as I was walking through Liverpool St station, that this is a critical time for my practice as an actor. It’s a perfect time to get stuck into abstract exercises, warmed and ready for the play. I plan to make this my bravest performance yet. There’s no such thing as good when it comes to acting. All you can ever know, is whether you were fearful. I’m slowly losing old fears and gaining new ones, new ones that if overcome, will help me get to the next level until I’m ready to really let go. I have work to do!
I mustn’t let myself forget the dream I had last night. A raging thunderstorm… Waves crashing on the beach of a sea. A human body lying on the sand, completely at peace as the thunder rumbles. Lightning strikes it before one huge wave comes over, about to engulf him when his eyes open. He holds his hands up, suspending the wave. All goes silent in the darkness of the ravaged beach and a voice says “Welcome to the Kingdom.”
Anyway, nothing much left to say. It’s really hot. A bit too hot for my liking, I think. Argh. I feel so queasy!! Going to stop thinking about it and introduce the Blueberry to some interesting Musak.