Entry 17: June 28th 2016 (Week 10)

sketch-doodles-confusion-29180497Everything feels like far too much effort. Everything. Like, getting up from the sofa to go and pee feels like a massive strain. I can’t work out if I can justify this behaviour purely physically. Surely I can’t be THIS tired?! It’s unbelievable. I don’t want to do anything, really. Moving seems like far more effort than it’s worth, and to top it all I’m feeling really.. Fat. Not pregnant. Just fat. Because I know I’m not eating well, I’m not moving, I’m not doing any of the things that make me feel better about myself. I feel completely disempowered and I really don’t like it.

That said, this is a perfect test for all the crap I’m always spouting about relinquishing control and letting go and embracing chaos. It’s happening in my own body, in the tiny sphere of my own existence, and I need to learn to be okay with it and to go with it. Clearly I have some values that need reassessing – is being worked up about feeling fat really important when you’re 10 weeks into pregnancy? Would it perhaps be healthier to simply enjoy it and accept that it’s something of an inevitability for the next few months? I’m always so worried that I’ll let go and end up being the worst version of myself, somehow. That I’ll get really fat – far more fat than pregnancy justifies – and take the opportunity to completely stop doing anything of any use on the basis that I’m “tired” and end up losing my ability to get stuff done completely. I worry that I’ll lose any semblance of creativity that I have, because it’s all about the flow and when it’s flowing it works – but even then, it’s tough to maintain it and every time you find it you’re terrified that you’ll lose it and any minor interruption breaks it and you find yourself wondering if you’ll ever reach where you were again because it feels like such an unknown quantity.

Ah, The Patient by Tool is on my music player. How appropriate.

Argh. I hate feeling like this. I’m really hoping it’s just hormones and I’ll feel better soon, because this isn’t a fun holiday. This is just someone feeling crippled and anxious and not able to get themselves out of it by doing the things that they know make them feel better and give them a sense of self.

Okay. I’m feeling too hot. So I’ll have some cold water to cool down. Then I’ll have a shower to refresh. And then I’ll attempt to have some kind of evening that isn’t riddled with this kind of crap. Yeah.

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