Entry 18: July 11th, 2016 (Week 12)

Sleepy imageSo I woke up this morning with the view that it was absolutely imperative that I do this today, because I keep mulling over completely unconstructive anxieties and clearly part of my struggle to stay focused and get stuff down is down to the fact that I’m not being disciplined about keeping my own head clear of crap. And there’s a lot of crap in my head at the moment.

I don’t know what’s suddenly happened. One big thing could explain everything, and the lazy part of me hopes that I can just blame this odd feeling of listlessness and generally feeling a bit disengaged on a surge of hormones. Part of me wonders, however, whether this is wise. If it’s not hormones, and is the symptom of something else, I shouldn’t really leave it too long to resolve it. After all, it could well become a deeper issue and I’m better equipped to see what the real issues are now than I will be in a few months time. I’ll have so little time to engage in such self-indulgences as these, that I should focus on keeping the flow clear as far as possible. So let’s try and work it out. Maybe not this morning, as I have work to do, as difficult as it feels to get myself into gear. It’s funny. I’ve spent the last 3 years or so excited about getting up in the mornings. There’s exciting stuff to do, progress to make. Recently I’ve been feeling like I just want to spend days and days in bed. I can’t really see the point in getting up. Nothing that is going to fill my day seems particularly fulfilling. I wonder where my efforts will actually lead me. And I come to the conclusion that they will lead me nowhere. That I’m actually banging my head against a brick wall; but that if I want to do anything else… I don’t want to do anything else. So I’m stuck. Well, I’m not stuck, in reality – no one ever is – but I lack the energy or vision to get myself out of it just now. I just feel really tired, and sometimes I feel energized and like myself again and can get excited about stuff, but for the last few weeks.. I’ve just felt like I want to sleep and not have to deal with the noise in my own brain. A fuzzy white noise, that makes everything seem too bright, too loud, too overwhelming. Is this what holidays do to people? It seems like since having some time off, I’ve fallen into some kind of pit of self pity. Or is this how I ACTUALLY feel and just haven’t stopped for years to actually process it?

Perhaps it’s just down to not being able to eat properly and being tired. That kind of thing can be pretty crippling, and the long term effects are always going to be more than simply physical. I’m sure I’ll feel much better after I’ve done my workout and actually get some work done. It’s just that first thing in the morning I don’t have any drive to actually do anything. It’s weird for me. It makes me wonder if my life, as it currently stands, is providing me with the interest that I expect it to. There are emotional situations that are sitting in a state of limbo that are quietly wearing me down and taking up emotional energy that could be spent writing, or – see, even trying to write what else I could be doing, I hit a wall. I don’t KNOW what I want to be doing. I haven’t felt that before. I’ve been in the position where I’m getting up in the morning wanting to do something else. But I’ve never been in a position where I don’t want to do anything. And then feel awful when the whole day goes by and my head feels so fuzzy and I feel so sick that I can’t even look at a television screen or read a book.

And all the while I’m thinking these awful, negative thoughts, I hate myself because ultimately, something amazing is happening. All this could be down to that amazing thing happening, and I’ve chosen to do it, so it seems unbelievably dumb, not to mention downright ungrateful, to be complaining like this. I suppose that even if it isn’t, and it’s just the result of having some time to process how I’m actually feeling, it’s still a good thing to know rather than going on through life without being honest with yourself. But the weird thing is that I don’t believe that I’ve been lying to myself. I’ve been feeling pretty good lately. Things were on the up, in a big way. So I’m going to hope this is all hormones and wait for it to pass, paying close attention to myself. That’s never difficult.

First scan on Thursday. Both mega exciting, and absolutely terrifying. I don’t know how I’ll feel on the day. Hopefully so desperate for a wee that I won’t be letting myself think too much about what we’ll see. At this point I just want everything to be okay. I worry that I’m constantly transmitting all my stress and anxiety about ultimately superficial things (basically, what I think I want and whether I think I’m going to get there – I mean, come on, I’m not even a SPECK in the grand scheme of it all!) and somehow damaging this Kiwi sized creature that is working so hard to come into being. So far, I think it’s handling things far better than I am. But we’ll only know on Thursday, and I could never have predicted how utterly petrified I would be about what we might find out.

Apparently, things have the potential to get better from here. I really hope so. I’m not sure how long I can go through being a waste of space. I absolutely hate feeling this way, and I hate being this way. And I want to be able to enjoy my food again. Food has become a source of major anxiety, and it’s one of life’s pleasures – one that I don’t want to give up. It would be nice to get back to being able to appreciate vegetables and good food. At the moment the only thing I feel I can depend on is cereal. Which is losing it’s appeal with startling speed.

Wow. It’s probably just as well I’m not socializing much at the moment. What a bore! Roll on second trimester!

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