According to “What To Expect”, there are 24 weeks and 4 days left before this weird rollercoaster is over and gives way to another, more intense one, that lasts much longer and basically sounds like the scariest thing that ever happens to a person. Like many scary things, though, it sounds like it’s the best thing that ever happens to a person too.
My inclination to talk is low at this point. Not sure why. I like being still and quiet, reading books, listening to music, and generally absorbing rather than giving stuff out. Interestingly, whenever I sit down to write something, quite weird and wonderful stuff comes out, which is cool, because I genuinely have no idea where it comes from. I’m not really thinking in a coherent way at this stage of things.
There are lots of things on my mind, even though I don’t see the point in talking about them much. Maybe that isn’t such a healthy approach, maybe it’s the most healthy approach of all. I don’t know. It strikes me that so much of the anxiety that comes with day to day life really boils down to this sense that you are always waiting on someone else, or trying to predict other people – what they think of you, what their expectations are of you, what your expectations are of them. In the end, if you can let that go, you’re pretty free to live a happy life. The only stuff that really affects you then comes from within, and although that’s all tied up with everyone who is “without” of you, it doesn’t have to mean that you’re wrangled emotionally on a daily basis in a way that drains you of energy that could be used on more useful things, like learning, and taking in what is available to you while you’re on this Earth. Who knows how long you actually have?
Anyway, recently, whenever I SAY anything, I feel bored for the person listening. Normally I’d assume that this would mean that I would be projecting my own feelings of boredom with what everyone else is saying, but currently, that really isn’t the case. I like listening. I always have. Now that I don’t feel socially obliged to have something to say all the time, it’s pleasurable. It’s far more of a learning experience than trying to convince the world of your story all the time. I’m glad that not everyone feels the way I do in this regard. I wouldn’t have any real life sources to learn from.
Sleep is disturbed these days. Apparently I need to learn not to sleep on my back, or my front; which just so happen to be the two positions I like to sleep in the most. Each night is punctuated by at least two loo breaks, if not more, and generally they seem to happen during a dream cycle, so I wander out of bed in the dark, almost blind myself with the light, and am almost always convinced that there is a shadowy creature lurking in the living room. The motives of the creature change, though. Sometimes it’s not very friendly, and just sits there to scare me. Sometimes it’s actually there just to make me feel protected while I make the scary trip to and from the bathroom. Why do dark, unidentified creatures have to be scary, anyway? I think they get a bad rap. I’m sure some of them are actually really nice; like a person who’s first instinct is always to frown at a person, but when you smile at them, they melt and are actually really friendly. I’m not sure if it’s a different shadowy creature every night, or the same one. One of these loo breaks will yield an answer to that, I’m sure. So much is about your perception, and prejudice, anyway. I guess I’ll always see what my prejudice and perception see at that moment anyway. As with everything.
One of the most consuming projects I’ve undertaken in recent weeks has been to attempt to deal with an Ego that I worry will one day spiral out of control. I’ve been thinking about what really drives me, and what it is that I really aim for when I put all this effort into stuff. Maybe having a period of being quite unmotivated is good in this sense; it forced me to look around and confront loads of stuff that I had put in a box and shoved under the bed for a while (well, I would have done, if I had a bed). I still don’t know the answers, but I’ve been working at being a bit less attached to everything. Where does this need to be acknowledged for everything come from? Do I really need validation in such basic, banal ways? The greatest thinkers, the greatest revolutionaries… I doubt they cared much about the acclaim that came with their work. If they did, they’d waste energy, as I sometimes do, indulging their egotistical thoughts about what they are owed – which is basically a drain on a precious energy supply that really needs to be channeled into stuff that actually MAKES things happen and move in a positive direction. It’s a great exercise in reprogramming, and I feel better for looking at things differently, but like all change, it’s about sustaining it. The first few weeks are always the easy bit. The value of becoming a “cleaner” person sits high on my list, though, so that belief is a good place to start with keeping up with shifting a tendency that is so innate, and that I have always believed somehow drives me. I’m learning to let go of the notion that crashing against rock is the best way, and learning to recognize the value of water gently eroding rock to flow to wherever it needs to flow. In the time it takes to clear the way, the way may change; all for the better, even if you don’t know it. You can’t always have all the answers. Sometimes nature might just help you find your way, if you let it do it’s thing and allow things to take their course. Perhaps one day I’ll be just a bit less of an egotist. With enough hard work.
This album always makes me a bit sad, but I love the lyrics – the idea of infinity going on trial fires my imagination in a way that few words do. How do you come up with such things?
I hope I’m not losing anything. No words to express it properly, but there’s an anxiety that something is being lost. Maybe I’m being lost. Maybe I am lost.
I’m probably bored of knowing where I am. I miss the thrill of being Found.
Okay. On with Today; my Favourite Day!