Entry 21: August 18th, 2016 (Week 17)

thoughts_sketch_by_tarrzan

Thoughts Sketch

Okay. This morning has already been interesting. I’ve had ideas about what I’m going to do, how I’m going to react, how I’m going to protect myself from my own vulnerabilities. And then it all just kind of came apart because in the end all I want to do is be a nice person who loves the people around and is somehow able to look beyond the superficial trappings and signals that we can always send to each other because we are so unsure of what we actually are or feel and communicate the absolute opposite. It’s nice being someone who can be kind despite being unsure of it not being reciprocated, simply because you believe in the power of kindness and generosity. But, it’s also scary, and before I’m actually DOING things, I convince myself that being more cold and distant is a safer option. Something like that, anyway.

Overthinking and over – analysis, anyone?

Everyone on this train, including me now, has their head buried in a phone, or a paper, or a book. Where are they all going? There’s a guy in sports gear. Gym before work? Maybe the gym is work. Maybe he’s a pro athlete hoping to go to the Tokyo Olympics and is in training. A guy in a suit… City worker? Entrepreneur? Concierge at a super posh hotel? That is most likely, actually. He’s looking far too stylish for the office. Unless of course he spends some of his day flirting with his attractive young secretary and is looking for a bit of excitement from his quiet home life. Nothing too extreme – just teetering on the edge of raising a few eyebrows if anyone knew about it. She, however, is madly in love with him, and is becoming more and more expectant of his committing to something a bit more than just idle flirtation. He should be careful. She has his wife’s number, and she’s not afraid to use it.

Ha. Sounds like a really dodgy novella! I might write it though. I think I could write a good bunny boiler yarn.

Apparently, a place at Birkbeck College will inspire the approach of “Thinking Differently.” I’ve been thinking so much about education lately. What does it actually mean to be well educated? The education system scares me a bit. But I don’t know that I’m anywhere near intelligent or qualified enough to be able to make the decision to raise my child any differently. It’s so difficult to know what’s best. I was barely ever at school. How did I manage to do well? Was it simple curiosity? I must owe the school system a lot for the basic fundamentals. But then I was so utterly inadequate socially that school felt like a hindrance. I learned so much when I was locked in my room with the stuff I was interested in. I guess it’s fortunate that stuff was Shakespeare, literature, world cinema and the suchlike though, rather than more unsavoury things that I can’t even bear to think about so early in the morning. I worry, I really do, about how to insulate a growing person from the sheer amount of distracting sewage there is around. I had it kind of easy. It just wasn’t bombarding every form of media when I was growing up. Reading a book for an afternoon was considered a leisure activity – but nothing educates and stimulates like reading. Nowadays people feel guilty for not making time to read, because they know it’s good for them, but there’s just so much other stuff now, that’s easier. How do you create an environment for where a developing person doesn’t just want to pass the time, but is hungry to learn? Sees it as a joy rather than a chore? How was I in that headspace growing up? There was just less available to me to simply pass time mindlessly. Learning was tied up with so much of what I considered, and still consider, leisure. If I was growing up now, with so much empty distraction.. How would I turn out? How do we create a learning environment without being controlling? How do we inspire curiosity? How do we make sure we create a home that is protective, accepting & loving, but that also instils values of kindness, a willingness to stand outside the crowd for what is right, just to be a person who gives to humanity? How the hell do you do that? I’m too flawed a person to be able to teach anyone else how to.. I don’t know… Be a freaking human being. How do people mindlessly have children just to claim money? How can you go through pregnancy, knowing that you’re going to bring someone into the tapestry of the universe – physically, psychologically, emotionally, materially – and simply not think about it?

I went to an appointment yesterday and I didn’t realise it before the session, but the midwife checked the heartbeat of the baby. So I heard it again. And I was flooded by excitement, relief, and absolute terror. How the heck am I going to mother this baby? I mean… Mistakes are fine and everything but…. This isn’t a metaphysical musing about my ability to write something, or to create a character and be in the moment on stage, or my own confused psychology.. This is a human being who is completely at the mercy of my behaviour and actions. Has been since before the poor thing was conceived. And I know what it’s like to be at the mercy of my actions. It can be really messy, painful, and downright negative.

Then again, sometimes, it can be fun being me. I keep wondering if this is all happening because I needed another challenge. It’s good to be humbled by the magnitude of something so basic to your biology. For all the high brow thinking….. The basics are the most devastating of them all. And the most incredible.

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