Entry 22: August 22nd, 2016 (Week 18)

Baby BumpWow. I look rough today! Like I’ve been dragged out of a hovel I’ve lived in quite comfortably for a month without warning. I don’t  particularly care though – I’m not feeling great so it comes with the territory, right? At least I have an excuse for it today. 

For some reason, I don’t feel like doing this today. I think it’s because I’m so bored of the sound of my own voice. I feel that I’ve been relentlessly negative over the past few weeks, obsessing over things that really don’t matter much – but that realisation doesn’t seem to stop it from happening.

Anyway, one whatsapp group is talking about adult colouring books. Another is awkward and I don’t really know why I’m in it anymore – I don’t feel like I can say anything. I hate the situation – why can’t I just let it go? Maybe because I just don’t want to have to go through it again. Maybe because actually this is ultimately for the best. Am I feeling a lack? Not really. Nothing is any different. The issue is around the fallout, not the situation itself. Still, I could easily be judged as being too stubborn here. There is a case for being what could be deemed as “the bigger person”, but I’m tired of that now. Stubborn or not, I just can’t let it go in good, honest conscience just now. It would be a lie to pretend that I’m better than I am. 

Anyway, I don’t really know what I’m thinking this morning. A great deal of my thoughts are being taken up by the fact that I’m wearing my “underbump” maternity leggings for the first time today. Complete with seamless pants, though I’m not entirely assured that the whole world can’t see them. The leggings are comfy, but they sit differently to what I’m used to, so that’s weird. They feel like they’re falling down all the time! Which isn’t great.

Anyway, these antibiotics are making me too tired to even think. Perhaps it was a lapse of judgment coming into work today, but I definitely needed to get out of the flat and experience some of the world. It’s an amazing day, so I’m glad I’m going to catch some of it!

Nobody gets called a table potato. Hmm. That’s got me thinking.

Apparently baby is the size of a Bell Pepper now. There’s a bell pepper swimming around in a little pool that my body has created. Wow. I wonder what it’s like in there… No wonder babies cry so much when they’re birthed… It must suck being wrenched out of such an awesome arrangement, suddenly have all these faces staring at you and be freezing cold and not be able to spend all your time doing somersaults and occasionally hearing the rumble of voices from the netherworld but not having to worry about them much. Poor thing. It has no idea what it’s in for. 

Still, he or she has made themselves known with occasional flutters! And while I thought I knew what it meant to “pop” a few weeks ago, I clearly didn’t, because it’s now happened, and it’s kind of cool sporting a Winnie The Pooh style belly. He’s one of my idols, so to replicate the style of that tummy (sticking out under a far-too-small t-shirt) makes me feel as wise as he is. Score!

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