Where to begin? I hesitated before starting to write, and of course, will now attempt to analyse the source of my hesitation. My handwriting looks totally different today – a bit like dad’s, not my usual scrawl. Equally illegible no doubt. I wonder what it means. There are some who claim that your handwriting says a lot about you, and in some instances, I can see the truth of it. One example springs to mind – a tidy, almost print like style (what’s the word for handwritten print again?), reflects an organised, neat, capable nature. Have I said that already? Have I gone over myself?
It’s my first ever Mother’s Day today! Isn’t that weird? Yeah, it’s weird! But also really cool. I want to write. There is a lot of material swilling around, in desperate need of some kind of structure. I think Padlet would be a good place to start, actually. Just to find the creativity that comes with the visual. I’m too prone to intellectualising when I’m writing; there’s almost too much focus on human emotion. Not that emotion is bad in writing – it’s just that I feel a lack of imagination in a lot of what I do. In that sense, I’m jealous of the sleeping bear next to me – he has an imagination that has a childlike quality. He dreams of strange lands and other universes, creatures, architecture, atmospheres, all imbued with an adult sensibility that stops it from seeming too “young.” I don’t imagine things beyond my own experience, really. It’s good being able to go into human emotion without fear, but I would like to unlock material that allows symbolism and the inner eye to have more of a presence.
Hmm. I’m struggling a bit with this today. I’m not sure why. It may be because my brain is considering the possibility of getting a workout in before The Babe With The Power wakes up. Or maybe I’m just tired… Interesting.. My handwriting seems to be changing again. Hmm. As my brain doesn’t want to let go of the tight leash this morning, I’ll focus on my handwriting. Form every letter mindfully and allow that to be the conscious focus, rather than being too hung up on getting any words down. Maybe this “empty”‘ feeling is a positive sign- the result of 2 nights straight of 6 hours’ sleep & a peaceful morning. It’s quite possible. Interesting. I’m almost concerned about the lack of noise. It’ll be good to be able to track my sleep again. Where did that Jawbone go? So weird.
Just keep going.
I’m really judging myself this morning. Why is that?
I’m not usually given to being so cripplingly judgemental that I don’t let myself write ANYTHING of any meaning beyond the superficial. Then again, isn’t most of it rather superficial? I find myself seeking a quiet life – I like the countryside. I don’t like TV. I see the day ahead, and I want to write, or listen to music, spend quality time with loved ones, attend to projects of my own choosing – but I don’t feel like I want to engage with the world outside the circle I love and choose to associate with. Yes, the arguments against this are powerful; closing the door to future growth and development, potentially meeting new & interesting people, or simply ‘keeping up’ (which takes on new meaning when you’re responsible for an infant who needs to be nurtured into becoming a contributing member of human society).
Ah, the solution!
Daddy Bear can be in charge of The World Out There Stuff, and I’ll deal with other stuff. Each of us can play to our strengths. Simple.
I feel myself losing the sense of wanting to engage and immediately wonder whether it is a fear response, or a sign of growth. It’s impossible to tell. There is much fear; a constant threat to my personal, psychological integrity, and I can’t shake the question of whether all of my judgements on the state of it all are ultimately rooted in that fear and a drive for self preservation, rather than any intelligent insight or understanding, or vision. On the other hand, I struggle to believe that I am entirely wrong. I see a world that has hit the self-destruct button, but is so lost in the throng of motion, that it is ignorant to the bigger picture. We are blind – we actually believe that we’re evolving for the better – maybe we are – ultimately, towards wiping ourselves out. Our focus has become this oddly intangible (at least, it’s intangible now) thing, called money, and that is our ruler. We have all of these apparently evolved political systems that kid us into believe that we have a voice. That we have a say.. But Money Dictates All. We work to develop AI that will relieve us of the so – called “mundane” tasks of life, to release our incredible brains so that we can enter higher realms of intelligent thinking – but , from what I can tell, the majority of the sleeping masses will squander that freedom. We appear to become lazier and lazier – psychologically weakened every day by the onslaught of sensory sewage that is thrown at us at every moment. We slowly lose our ability to fight the tide because not only is it powerful.. It’s NORMALISED. Apparently, if you see it as a problem, you’re the one with the issues. It doesn’t matter that despite being the one with the issues, you’re trying to make the effort to better yourself, to stay ALIVE, to somehow evolve beyond what you were when you began in whatever guise or form. The further you go on that journey, the more you seem to be thinking, and learning… The more you see the futility. The more you recognise the sheer illusory nature of it all. It all gets scary. And you begin to feel pretty unsettled.
You see that there is a level of ignorance in The Many that entirely immoral, unscrupulous people (this would be the dudes and dudettes sitting pretty on their roof terraces complete with artificial ecosystems) rely on – the apathy of the masses – to perpetuate the destruction of basic human nature. The basic human nature that has enabled us to survive for all this time.
It’s like we’re over.
But only this morning, in this crazed head of mine. There are all kinds of possibilities. The “hive” mind. Uploading consciousness. Maybe the real illusion in all this is the idea that we have any kind of subconscious mind and we’ll find out that we’ve been mistakenly justifying some pretty dumb behaviours by using something that exists only as a concept. That might just jolt us into taking responsibility for ourselves, somehow..Are we our consciousness? The word confuses me. The biology of our physical bodies, the completely unconscious processes that happen, at every nanosecond of every day, indicate a powerful unconscious faculty, but I guess “consciousness” doesn’t apply to all that. Or does it? It’s the most vital element of being alive, so understanding all of that must be fundamental to understanding our very nature. Hmm. I sense that to know, and to see, is to want to interfere.. How many people can just observe & listen – listen without needing to respond with their own advice, or insight, peppered and coloured by their own experience? Perhaps our earliest evolution was the smartest one – where we buried the management of our physiology so deeply that despite any rubbish that our consciousness would be subjected to later, we couldn’t interfere with the absolute fundamentals. We still try; cosmetic surgery to reverse ageing, for example – but we’re wonderfully inadequate when faced with the miracle of our unconsciously managed physiology. There are many things that you just can’t change, however much you want to, and sometimes I think that’s okay. Hmm. That makes me sound like an old fuddy duddy. I think I might actually BE a fuddy duddy. Oh dear.
Many good things have come from research, and the continuing evolution of technology. That’s a no brainer. I see that. It’s just that there seem to be so many developments that strip us of the stuff that makes us kind of cool. Like our bodies. We’re evolving into lazy animals. Fat, lazy animals. It’s too much for us to get up off the sofa at the end of an episode of something we’re binge watching on Netflix to change the channel or the show. We can’t be bothered to actively move to choose the next episode of the series that we’ve been watching for the last 5 hours. I am as guilty as anyone of this. Torching precious time by watching episodes of a show I don’t really like much, simply because I can’t be bothered to switch it off before the next episode automatically starts. Nowadays, televisions don’t even give you the OPTION of doing anything without a remote control – so you don’t have the slightest motivation to move during a binge. Great! There’s no huge motivation to reset your brain, & take it out of the zombie – like state it’s in (except maybe to go to the kitchen to grab some tortillas & dips, or a cup of tea and a few biscuits). Yummy. Tea and biscuits. Yet more healthy things that we, myself included, use to soothe ourselves against the deeply entrenched dissatisfaction that we are being taught to crave.
Hmm. Okay. THIS might be why I was hesitant to really let go and write this morning. Apparently, things are getting to me a bit, but I don’t feel ANGRY about it. At least not this morning. It just seems to me, that this is the way things are. Maybe this is it, and I’ve finally fallen over the edge and gone crazy, but I don’t think so. I feel like I want to do stuff, but stuff with MEANING. I don’t want the insanity and noise of what is popular culture to permeate the currents as they finally begin to run clear. I don’t need the deadening succession of quick hits to do what I want to do. I don’t miss feeling inadequate every time I turn on the TV, or drowning in the atrophy of my own muscles when I sit for 6 hours straight, watching a TV series that I don’t actually like that much, but it’s on and I can’t be arsed to find anything different because there’s so much crap to sift through it’s overwhelming and I don’t have the attention span for the process of choosing, even. I enjoy actively finding films I want to see, and really engaging with them. I like losing myself in a TV series that is of high quality, full of interesting material which isn’t filled with formulaic “clickbait” that is blatantly exploiting and encouraging the basic flaws of my nature and laziness. I like getting sincere satisfaction out of what I’m doing and can’t handle the dull hum of atrophy – but even with that knowledge, it feels like a tough fight. It can be hard to go against the current; the onslaught of information that makes that atrophy “okay” – wishing it on you, so that your entire focus becomes combatting the inadequacies in your life that you are being conditioned to believe exist. We AGE, man. Why is that a bad thing? We come in all shapes and sizes. Why is that a bad thing? We all have different natural skills. We’re all DIFFERENT! Which makes us super cool! When did we stop embracing what we are – a race of individuals who go through a natural life cycle as any other creature of nature – and decide that it would be smart to make us hate ourselves and desperately spend every day trying to either forget we’re alive, or reversing nature itself?
The inadequacies we’re taught to believe exist in ourselves, don’t. We don’t need loads of money if we don’t desire the things that money can buy. I guess that’s a problem for those who are so unbelievably unevolved that they are willing to exploit others to accumulate the illusion of monetary wealth. Wealth..Money.. It’s just a concept, now. It’s so far removed from the sensory reality (which may itself be a lie, but it’s the most tangible reality I have, anyway) that it is absolutely unattainable in any practical sense. People are killing themselves, slowly, painfully, and deep in themselves psychologically, hating themselves because they aren’t able to attain this strange notion of “perfection” that is packaged up and sold as a desirable commodity. The voices that shout “NO!” at this stuff are muted by the sheer volume of noise created by those with the MONEY to keep fuelling their machine, but even they must know that they are selling a lie, relying on our laziness to continue to absorb this crap indiscriminately so that our whole lives become one big drive to attain something wholly unattainable. Sisyphus, anyone?!
Anyway, my point is, it’s the simple things. Being present in yourself, in your body, really seeing, and listening, and letting yourself take it all in without the distractions and the noise. Appreciating what a marvel you are – what a marvel every human being is – recognising that the noise of the world, the ignorance that allows it to continue, isn’t the truth. The truth is in nature, in what exists OUTSIDE of that rolling fiction. It seems difficult to imagine. Scary even. Maybe I’m going backwards, or too far one way, but I’m sure I’ll find an equilibrium soon. This feels good, though. I feel more appreciative of what I believe to be a Reality that I can grasp, just a teeny bit. A good book. A beautiful piece of music. The sound of my baby breathing, or seeing her smile, or watching her as she learns what it is to be alive.. The feeling of holding my husbands’ hand, or hugging my Dad, or hours spent chatting to a loved one. Company where judgement doesn’t exist and honesty is all that is required. The sound of wind. The smell of springtime. The light of sunshine in a bright, blue sky. These things are REAL. Why are we moving away from being able to stop & appreciate this stuff in favour of Kandy Krush Saga, or a life full of fake news shared on Facebook, or the random surfing of the internet with no purpose other than to disappear from where you are?
Hmm. I don’t know. Maybe it’s best that I don’t get enough sleep after all. No time for such thoughts! Ha. That’s MORE than enough of the mad rambling for now, I think. Maybe I can cram in a workout and shower before the beautiful babe wakes up. Fingers crossed!